It’s broken-record stuff, really. We’ve barely had a plan all season and we now find ourselves in serious running for the wooden spoon (Manawatu are so shit that they don’t count). Rather than be all negative, though, let’s address some of the more technical aspects of our game that might be improved based on this, another woeful performance.

1. Catch high-balls on the full. I know there’s a generation of players out there now who have been brought up listening to commentators say “Oh, he judged that bounce well – good players can do that”, but most commentators are themselves failed rugby players who have shit for brains. The reason you never hear commentators like Ian Jones or John Drake or Frank Bunce say “Oh, he judged that bounce well” is because they know that to correctly read the bounce of a ball dropping from 30 metres out of a floodlit sky is like gambling your cock with a syphilitic whore. Rudi and Vili, you cannot judge the bounce of a rugby ball, so don’t let it bounce. If you miss it on the full and end up looking like a dick then feel free to send me a spiteful letter with a stale turd attached, but leaving it to bounce makes you look like you don’t give a shit, which perhaps you don’t but you shouldn’t broadcast it so obviously.

2. Don’t drop the ball so much. It’s a toughie, I know. However, we are not the Harbour of the mid-90s that could throw miracle balls and get away with it. We are George Pisi, Anthony Tuitavake, and an assortment of club players.

3. Get some flankers. We still don’t have any of these. As a tactic, it doesn’t seem to be working out.

There were some interesting facets to this game. Ben Afeaki made Schwalger look decidedly average. Ma’a Nonu exhibited the full range of abominably limited kicking and catching skills that prompted Henry to leave him in the world’s southernmost and miserablemost capital. He is a bit of a media darling and by all accounts a nice fellow but I for one hope to f**k that this is the only shade of black jersey he’ll be playing in for the next few years. Piri Weepu added a few dollars’ worth of value to his impending league contract. He was later seen discussing pie recipes with Afeaki. On our side, Afoa once again showed some cobbles – he’s in the running for player-of-the-year I would think, but I don’t imagine such an accolade would carry much prestige this season. McPhee’s line-kicking was sound and his option-taking was as good as could be expected considering that we were constantly going backwards courtesy of our lack of ball-winners. He has the hallmarks of a future Lucky Burton - something which might prompt older Harbour fans to instinctively run to the knife drawer for a spot of ritual suicidal disembowelment; but a new, stable Lucky-type of flyhalf is not such a bad thing, provided we prepare ourselves for the odd dropped-ball shocker at critical moments. He’s steady, and Tusi again looked much more confident with some of the pressure off.

All of which is peripheral if we can’t get ball and retain it. Our front-row was dominant, but the control in the back-row was pure amateur theatre. Can’t wait for next week’s encore performance in the Deep South at the House of Sleet and Calvanist Misery.

“Why would you bring in a guy like Waqaseduadua, who’s lightning fast, on an inside cut a metre from a scrum? That’s moronic. If I was him, I’d just say ‘Nah, thanks. Not interested.’”
- Radio commentator

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