Tries: R Filipo.
Cons: J Gopperth.
Pens: J Gopperth (3).

Holy shit, how bad are Wellington? We royally fucked them on their home patch in 2003, prompting them to crawl to Daddy Rugby Union and complain because our dynamic little Jarpie Chad Alcock hadn't used the right pen when he signed on for us. Whatever might they come up with now? The powers-that-be at NHRFU headquarters will be sitting nervously by the phones on Monday morning awaiting the call from the Ombudsman informing them that humiliating a Super 12 franchise base is now punishable by penile dislocation and automatic relegation to the Heartland Championship.

That consequent loss of four points revealed the incestuous shenanigans in rugby administration at the time. NZRFU: "Big Five are our friends; everyone else go die of AIDS". (Note: that may well just be our bitter interpretation of events. Wellington will probably have a team of defamation lawyers monitoring our every word.) All things considered, the guys from the capital get little sympathy from us. Harbourrugby.com has always viewed Wellington as a small-town provincial team masquerading as a team that matters. The rest of the country know full well that a bunch of artists and politicians do not a rugby side maketh. Take away their pub-fightin', bladder-relievin' AB blindside flanker and they're as ordinary as cement.

Look at dynamic wee Georgie Pisi - all 62 kilos of him. He carries 4 of them on his back on the way to the try-line. Or Viliame the Flying Fijian: the Wellington backs were carrying too much tattoo ink on their legs to have a show of catching him. Shit, I'd even staked a tenner on their Biggest Loser candidate, Waldrom to eat his way through our pack and over our line at 5 bucks to 1, yet he didn't seem to get within coo-ey of our line. So tragically awful were they that it was all I could do to hold back from telling their substitutes warming up nearby that if they were as shit as the guys on the field, they'd've been better off just getting back on the 'plane. So I didn't hold back.

In such circumstances, it was difficult to tell which of our guys were genuinely playing well and which were being made to look good by the assorted detritus cobbled together from Johnsonville Presidents' grade comps. I think Nick Williams and Anthony Tuitavake were very good. Rua played well. The props were solid; Hinchco had some issues with his jumpers but we stole a few of theirs, too. Polu was okay. He still hasn't lasted a full game all season. Tusi was okay as well, promisingly, but he is not a goal kicker. This was illustrated by one conversion from about 26 metres out with a breeze behind him barely clearing the posts, and one penalty miss that made my testicles hurt and my rage surge. The good news is that we have virtually qualified for the top 6 and what with a bye next week and our customary loss to Auckland at the House of Scum the following week, Luke might be able to come back and help us in time for the business end. Tusi actually seems alright with Luke beside him. Anyone who reads harbourrugby.com regularly will realise that this is a huge concession.

Rudi had his best game of the season and was rewarded by being subbed for Jonah who performed a small miracle by not shattering his pancreas or breaking his coccyx. (We do wish him well and we appreciated his commitment to the side last year as motivator / water-guy / trainer / fan. But we like Rudi, too.) Rollo and Fletch: solid. Flankers: we had plenty of ball at the breakdowns and Ma'apu bagged himself a try so they must've been doing something right.

Aside 1: Congratulations to Westlake Boys', who won the High School Champs despite being fourth-placed qualifiers and losing to Takapuna Grammar in the early rounds. They beat Massey last week and trounced Rosmini in the final.

Aside 2: Harbour Master does not appear to be as much of a c**t this year as in previous years. Or perhaps I am not as much of one. I doubt it.

Aside 3: The open stand was open. It had some people in it. Then it rained and they all left.

Aside 4: Congratulations to Takapuna who won the Premier club championship. Coached by Blair Larsen, they beat Glenfield, co-coached by Walter Little. Both of these men are popular among the correspondents of this website; the latter gets us particularly excited.

Aside 5: Bad luck to BOP who gave all right-minded people a glimmer of hope with an early lead against The Scum before folding like the miserable rag-tag bunch of misfits that they are.

Aside 6: Congratulations to Nick Evans for pulling Otago out of the bag against Waikato. Not really, though. Turncoat Judas filth.

Aside 7: Congratulations to our Blues Super-14 Corporate Conglomeration Magic Tournament For The Stars Sponsored By VodaTeleVector Franchise Family Brothers, Northland, for finally winning a game. The doubly-good news for vanquished Counties is that the Waikato Rugby Union have unilaterally decided that they will model their VodaTeleVector Franchise on Canterbury's, thus eliminating that pesky need to consider the opinions of Counties or Bay of Plenty in any decision-making process. Another necessary re-positioning of strategic resources in the contemporary corporate environment going forward.