Tries: M Schwelger, L Fa'atau
Cons: D Holwell
Pens: D Holwell (2)

Let's first review Wellington the city, our capital, our place.

The only thing Wellington has to offer anybody is Winston Peters and that's only when Summinovich Fisheries are in town brandishing the gold Amex. It's incredible that a man with no talent can spew forth an overworked, thinly veiled racist statement every four years and get elected. Says a lot about the blue rinse brigade from Tauranga, but we will get to the Bay another time. (Sorry I got sidetracked with my political rant) Did I mention the fat salary, taxi rides, taxi beatings, copious bottles of Johnny Walker Red and no responsibility?

Let's face it the capital is a let down, a ramshackle village built in a wind tunnel only suitable for testing America's Cup prototypes*. Wainuiomata is awash with villains and thieves, the Beehive is a remarkably average bit of architecture and Te Papa is fine if you like looking at small Japanese people taking photos of other small Japanese people.

Peter Jackson set up camp there and without his considerable success and influence Wellington would be another faceless town on a coffee-stained AA map of NZ. They think they are thespians and intellectuals, artists and thinkers, politicians and leaders. What they are is a big bag of boiled shite. There is more thinking and prophesizing done at the Poe on a Friday afternoon, most of which would baffle even the most learned Victoria professor.

While I'm on that subject I would like to state that museums should be for old things and things of national importance. Frankly I would rather look at a dapper British Spitfire (with Smith and Caughey mannequin circa 1950) than play with an interactive Moa on a plasma TV.

The game...

Harbour, Harbour, Harbour, why does it always have to be this way?. Great performance followed by a crap one, so on and so forth.

Before the game commenced the PA announcer came on and said..."now people we have to be be nice to the Harbourmaster this year". While to most that attend games and realise that our mascot has a passion for paedophilia, this kind of set the scene.

Again started well with the Gear brothers combining well down the Open Stand touchline to score an excellent try. "Lucky Luke" had previously notched up two penalties and things were looking up for the men in black, white and stonewashed pink.

Then things started to go slightly off-centre. We had a considerable tailwind up our buttocks but never made use of it with say...a kick or something. The forwards were committed to a ball-in-the-hand approach which is fine if you score off it. We did not.

Wellington came into the game but never looked that imposing, if fact they were very ordinary indeed. Voullaire scored a great try set up by Rudi Wulf and the team was set for an exciting finish. More points to Wellington and suddenly we found ourselves behind 18-16. I was never really worried about that, I should have been.

Again substitutions were to prove a bit baffling as again our captain was sidelined, the half-back Meyer was replaced early in the second-half as was Wilson, Donald and some other fellas. Meyer was taking the piss in passing the ball. The time our backs had to endure before the ball was delivered was very similar to a Russian widow waiting for a new colour TV.

"Lucky Luke" then turned into "Luke the Wanker" as he performed a piece of rugby brilliance in running the length of the field, three guys outside him, only to go himself and knock it on. Tosser.

I'm getting pissed off writing this report, we needed to win this as the scum will do us no favours next week following their brilliant loss to the cow-fiddlers.

I would like to summarise a few points before I leave:

1. Tactics.
We had a tailwind in the first-half. This is when we kick it (occasionally) and let our backs have a go. When you are punching into the wind, that is when you generally keep it in hand.

2. Forwards.
Our backs are rather good. It wouldn't hurt you to pass it on once and awhile. Two phases is good, three maybe, but when you have mauled it 30 metres let it go.

3. Subs.
Who is our captain?. Who is our half-back?. Please settle this quickly.

4. Luke McAlister.
Pass the ball.

* Please note I was referring to America's Cup vessels that are tested and sail above the waterline. Not to be confused by Team NZ who prefer bailing to sailing.