We were, frankly, an embarrassment. It’s always nice to hold a Ranfurly Shield record, but Recipient of the Biggest Ever Anal Reaming by a Shield Challenger is not an enviable one. Tuitavake at least did appear to give a shit, whilst McPhee (He’s Very Wee) was not completely awful; the rest of the backs were pants. However, at least they have the excuse of not being fired up by another pathetic Harbour crowd, many of whom started to drift away with 10 minutes to go. If there’s one thing that gets my goat besides amorous Silverdale fans on a lonely Friday night, it’s c**ts who shoot through early. I don’t give a f**k if our team’s the Titanic and you’re mates with the lifeboat co-ordinator: show a bit of solidarity. Everyone leaving early should’ve been rounded up, shot, shaved, and had their hair compacted into pillows for the full-time fans to sit on at games. (The only exception is the drunk guy who swore copiously at everyone, took his Harbour jersey off, fell over, swore some more, told us all to f**k off, then shot through 20 minutes into the game. At least he left in style.)

Hamster’s rambling diatribe midweek about sacking the coach might have been ineloquent and typical of a rodent that drinks too much, too often, to the detriment of his mental health and physique, but it seems to be striking a chord with the fans. MacDaddy’s Friday bravado – ‘Pivac’s okay; Harbour by eight’ – flew in the face of what many of us suspected, but we wanted to believe it. The fact is, however, that MacDaddy has now done a runner, last seen stumbling up the Northern Motorway in full kilt regalia mumbling something about going to smoke weed and support a side with guts; whilst Pivac is left to defend a piss-poor record with a team that he is fully entitled to say is young and inexperienced but which is no more so than Hawke’s Bay or Northland or any other sides who shouldn’t be higher than us on the table but are. If the c**ts who left early are anything to go by, maybe we’ve got the team we deserve.

A Message to you, Rudi: it’s great that you love playing in any position, but you’re no inside centre. Let the coach know. Message to Tusi: if opposing backs are offside, tell your captain to talk to the ref. about it. It’s been happening all season. Message to Rawlinson: if some c**t bites you and you know who he is, punch his head in at the next maul or in the tunnel afterwards. Message to the Forwards: stop embarrassing Williams, Afoa, us, your forwards coach, and your backs. Win some f**king ball. Message to the coach: I’m trying to support you but am running out of ammo. 1/ The forwards need a rocket. Six and seven are particularly poor. Is there anyone else? Start with Smith. Shit, I’m actually starthng to miss Tamihere! 2/ It might be time to risk McPhee (He’s Very Wee) in his natural position and move Tusi to second-five. Tusi’s a better player when some pressure’s off him (witness how well he played when Luke was around). 3/ In case you hadn’t noticed, Rudi is not very fast any more. Maybe you did, which is why you’re playing him in the centres. We do like him, but our reasons are increasingly sentimental ones. Message to Georgie: Not your best game, but we still love you. Message to Vili: Where are you?