Tries: S Sivivatu 2, R Kahui, B Kelleher
Cons: S Donald (4)
Pen: S Donald

Shock As Harbour Routed In First 40 'Mare!!!!!!

Last Week's First-Team Players Play Like Geriatrics!!!!

(Otago Coach Suspects Food Poisoning, Isn't Tearing Up Contract Offers Yet.)

North Harbour, proud holders of the Ranfurly Shield, were today reduced to quivering wrecks by imposing men in jerseys alleged to have been patchworked together from a selection of quilts from the Mothers for Inappropriate Breeding Association, Hamilton Inc.

The Harbour team was unable to withstand a concerted half-hour forward onslaught from a Waikato side clearly motivated by the opportunity of a home run to the Air New Zealand Cup final. However, several of the Harbour team clearly needed medical assistance in the first-half, as players stumbled around aimlessly, allegedly stopping only to voluminously empty their guts over the touchline.

Particularly ill at ease were hooker James Hinchco and locks Rawlinson and Fletcher - whose alleged complaints of blurred vision go some way to explaining why line-out ball kept going to the wrong team - Adrian Donald - whose alleged migraines led to his mistaking himself for a halfback - and Nick Williams - whose alleged stomach cramps so pained him that he spent the first 20 minutes lying down wherever he could, even if it happened to be on the Waikato side of the ruck. The flankers were similarly affected by the alleged mystery virus, which is why they spent the entire half somewhere else, as were the backs who kicked aimlessly and ran like muppets.

The only Harbour players unaffected by the sweeping lethargy were Mike Noble, who had been a bit crap in the games leading up to this one, and George Pisi, who hadn't. Both did their best to fly the Harbour flag, resplendent as it is with a big fat shiny Shield now as its associate emblem.

Referee Bryce Lawrence initially showed no sympathy for the Harbour players' obvious discomfort, turning a blind eye to two egregious shepherds that led to two completely unjust tries that Waikato would ultimately have ended up getting five minutes later, anyway. Harbour coaches Pollock and Yelavich had no option for the second half but to withdraw several topline players for medical tests, and team gear man, Spy Kelly was later allegedly seen to be administering wonder-drugs Mizone, H2Go, and Paracetamol to the beleaguered troops. The introduction of the second-stringers saw a remarkable turnaround in intensity. Junior Polu, who like Noble has been disappointing this season, injected some much needed aggro into the Harbour effort. He helped replacement hooker Ngarimu Simpkins (who had initially appeared to be suffering from Hinchco's ailment) lead a powerful offensive that culminated in a good try. Similarly, Tusi Pisi, who has looked much better this season when McAllister has been outside him, added hitherto unseen spark to the backline, setting up Luke for a try with a super wee shimmy.

Ref. Bryce Lawrence also chose the second-half to try and even things out, granting the Harbour side additional vigour with some frankly baffling calls against the home team. Some old men in a Northcote pub were heard to shout "You are the worst fucking referee in the world."

This match will be remembered, however, for the mystery virus. The South Harbour Rugby Football Union, poised with their usual stack of off-season, bargain-basement contract offers, has pleaded for calm. Spokesman Larry Meynes stressed the need to refrain from jumping to conclusions:

"This does not suggest that Harbour players have suddenly gone crap. I have it on good authority that they dined last night at the Hamilton's Udder and Panties Bar and Restaurant and were served by some Jarpie tart. I wouldn't be surprised if some horrible local concoction was slipped into their drinks. Like Waikato Draught. We will still be looking to plunder as many of their players as we can to bolster our own sickly pile of muck union."

Harbour captain, Rua Tipoki, said of his side's performance: "Give a fuck. Shield's in the cabinet." Allegedly "

In other news:

• Northland just missed out on making the top eight. Bad luck, chaps, but it's been a promising season.
• The mighty Swamp Foxes made it four in a row in the Lochore Cup. Sterling work.
• Auckland lost. Shame, that