Tries: B Smith,(2), P Miller
Cons: R Apanui (2)
Pen: R Apanui

I'd picked Southland for my Virtual NPC because this is precisely the kind of game that Harbour traditionally chokes on. "What kind of supporter are you?" I hear you ask. The kind that stood on the Onewa bank (for the last time) in the hail in 1996 watching us avoid relegation in a do-or-die against King Country. You sure as f**k weren't.

And we did choke in a way, but we still won which I suppose serves as testament to the fortitude of this side. It would be interesting to see Harbour's territory stats for the whole season to date because we seem to have spent an inordinate amount of time in the oppositions' halfs - and so it was again at an Invercargill basking in uncommonly bright sunshine and commonly oily incest. Dawn-of-the-Dead-like, the locals converged to farewell their talented but remarkable ugly number 8, off to the Land of the Rising Sun and North Harbour Blues-Franchise Refugees. He was their best player, too, scoring a try and setting up another with a pass that drifted into November and was snapped up by some retard with six fingers on each hand. Last time we played Southland at Southland, they scored a quite astonishing 4 tries that were quite obviously not. This time, fortunately, they used up both their forward passes in the same movement - not that the untrained observer would have noticed because the partisan Southland commentators were too busy masturbating into their microphones to bother with objective analysis.

We were patchy and a little indisciplined but we were good and they were shit so it mattered not. From the outset, inspired by the kind of weather that we get year-round on the Shore, we frolicked like we were playing footie on the hot golden sands of 'Puna Beach in front of hot bronzed chicks in hot white bikinis. We camped our chillybins filled with expensive foreign beer in their half, and tossed our balls with straight abandon. By the end of twenty minutes that must have been frankly humiliating for the assorted detritus watching, we had amassed 7 points. It didn't much matter though, because we got more and then they got more because we let them, then we got even more. The best of the more was Waqaseduadua's exquisite series of outside steps around an assortment of groping pithecanthrepoids each of whom sported the "me-Tarzan" look in their eyes that seems to be a physiological feature of the folk down there. Waqaseduadua, George Pisi, and Zar Lawrence are fast becoming the most exciting back-three in the division. Apart from Zar Lawrence. How's Rudi's neck? Can he step off his other foot? Give him a jersey. (To be fair, Lawrence did muster his best 20 seconds of the competition to date with a smothering tackle on a man who appeared to have a trace of ape in his genetic structure.)

Front row: brilliant. Greg Rawlinson: has reached a point in his career with Harbour where it is striking if he does anything wrong. Yet again, he didn't. Marty Veale took time out from his busy schedule of winning copious amounts of ball to clock some loser - good work there. AD would be proud. Harding was the pick of the loosies, Williams was quieter than usual but did a great job to drive Harding over for his try. Boric had a bit of a 'mare but Husky Wilson came on to do some good work. On a more sombre note, there is a quite apparent flaw in Junior Poluleuleuligaga's passing game. His clearance from rucks is as laboured as Bruce Deans with an anchor around his arm. For much of the season he has managed to disguise this with dynamic running, but opposing teams seem to have got wind of his weakness and have started to mess up the fringes and attack him more. I'll wager that if Pat Lam hasn't noticed, then Paul Miller's human. When Aussie fast-bowler "Glenn McGrath" (-microphone masturbator) came on, he seemed to have lost have a metre in stature but scored a try and held an imaginary 'phone up to his ear. In-jokes are always very funny. No matter though because when he saved a try at the other end he let the local fans know about it and this makes him okay by us. Special mention, too, of our replacement number 10, Joel Nasmith, who started the season as 4th-choice: he was solid. He's scored a couple of tries already this season and seems like an able enough sort of character to fill in a few minutes at the end of a match.

So to the House Of Scum once again. Remember that the important thing with a trip to Eden Park is that winning is not important because we hardly ever do win there. What's important is to get stonkingly f**k-faced.