Tries: P Miller, G Staniforth, J Cowan
Cons: G Williams
Pens: G Williams (2).

I have just sifted tirelessly through the previous seasons' match reports for the purposes of accumulating some very important data. I have found, as I suspected, nothing that holds a referee in any way responsible for a match. This is a relief because it means that the report that follows carries greater credibility.

But first, let us deal with some sundry facts and opinions.
Fact: we lost to people who marry their sisters.
Fact: we lost because we allowed the people who marry their sisters to start well.
Fact: only a minuscule number of winning teams ever moan about the referee.
Fact: lots of losing teams do.
Opinion: we will be playing the relegation/promotion play-off match.
Opinion: we may well lose it.
Fact: if we do lose, we will have the best stadium in the second division.
Fact: the crowds won't be any smaller because it's impossible to have a smaller crowd than fuck-all.

The game itself. Southland scored three tries. Let us analyse. ·

• Try one (to Paul Miller, I think). Maul is held up over the line. Referee (Bryce Lawrence - cock. Blind, possibly hermaphrodite) cannot see the ball. Asks video referee. Video referee cannot see ball. Throws it back to Lawrence (cock). He gives the try. Hmmm, interesting. But that's okay, you'll get the odd one against you, especially away from home.
• Try two (to G.Staniforth). Is turned in a tackle diving for the line. Facing skyward, he looks up to see referee Lawrence (cock) looking down at him with his arm in the air awarding a try.
• Try three (to J. Cowan). Beautiful sweeping, gliding, jinking run and dive for the line by the man of sister-borne. Dive falls short of the line by about six inches. He gets up, having failed to ground the ball. Can't really blame the ref (cock) for this because he is on the halfway line masticating. His touchjudge is helping him. Hell, even the commentators didn't notice.

We scored three tries. One of which was disallowed for a forward pass that wasn't forward.

We were about 10 points better than them on the day. Apart from a period of 15 minutes in the second half when they dominated, they were not really in it. Southland fans will tell you otherwise but Southland fans will also tell you that it is okay to bugger your mum. However, our backline defence was leaky. No-one stood up to put their finger in the dyke.

Nick Evans had a fantastic game at first-five, replacing the injured McAllister.

Many thanks to the Auckland Herald (cocks) for putting us at the bottom of the table despite our not having played Northland yet, and our points differential being better than theirs.