I'm a little bit bitter about our current lack of success, I felt like I was at Carisbrook and get more despondent with Harbour each match I attend. In saying that, we are playing like shite but still only lose by a handful of points in most games this year. It probably comes down to a few things like, crap coach, lack of experience and no heart. However below I have detailed a satirical plan to be implemented at each home fixture to ensure we continue to lose and treat our fans (of which there are four) like complete monkeys.(no offence to our Southland cousins six times removed)

1. Pipe Band
As part of the amazing and atmosphere-building pre-match entertainment extravaganza, employ the services of a pipe-band or similar display in order to make our respected opponents feel like they are at home. This pleasant and harmonious sound will ensure that the away team are well settled and comfortable. This extension of the "fellowship of rugby" should give them at least 7-10 points start on Harbour and make for a more friendly and enjoyable game all-round.

Suggestions for other teams are: Waikato, have a large expo involving livestock and artificial insemination; Southland, use an amusing museum piece from the Prehistoric man exhibit; Taranaki, see Waikato; Canterbury, the ever popular dog-show; Northland, information from WINZ and perhaps a colourful court-drama from the Youth and Family services.

2. Highland Dancers
This really goes on from point before and largely revolves around the provision of entertainment aimed at making the opponents feel like its Carisbrook or whatever hole they have dragged themselves out of. While the wee gent who was hideously out-of-time from the rest was brilliant, what the hell does this have to do with Harbour.

3. Cheer Louder for the Opposing Team
This is absolutely crucial to make this plan successful. On Saturday to our fans credit we did it marvellously well. Otago came out and we cheered like we were in New York greeting tired fire-fighters from Engine 1 House 23 brigade. Our team came out and we slunk back in our seats and sipped over-priced latte froth.

4. Advertise our Opponents on the Radio
This concept is new to the Harbour master-plan this year and should be congratulated loudly. "Come and see Taine Randell and his All Black team-mates take on Harbour". Funny I thought, why are Otago advertising up here, but they weren't it was a Harbour ad, fan-bloody-tastic!.

5. Have Half the Stadium Pay No Entry Fee
Critical to any eventual success, if the Union continues to give away free tickets then we will go bankrupt and all the opponents will be better off because of it. Free tickets and they are not hard to get, must be sourced from sponsors and desperate union staff so that they won't have any jobs to go to at the end of the season.

6. Give The Opposing Team Easy Points
As soon as the whistle blows, Harbour players should immediately talk among themselves, take a nap or talk to their agent to allow the perfect 7 point head-start. This year the lads have made this an art form and should be acknowledged for it. Wake the f*** up!