Tries: F Vainikolo, J McKenty,
D Howell
Cons: D Howell (3)
Pens: D Howell (2)

Fuck a duck - what an abomination. Not the front row that Pivac wanted, I know, but the extent to which 'some no-name ring-in' evoked memories of Harbour front rows of yore… He was thoroughly chewed up, spat out, then shat on by his opposite. He's a young lad and he was taught a very precise lesson on what happens when a front-rower's head hits a scrum 26 feet higher than his hips. I'm not going to give up on him but he's got a long way to go. As for hooker, McCartney? He's done fuck-all since Mull of Kintyre. We don't need shitty Auckland front-row ring-ins when we've got plenty of shitty front-rowers right here on the mighty Shore, one of whom, thankfully, is not Frankenstein Afoa who - with Rawlinson and Williams - was one of the few forwards who didn't appear to have partaken in some of the local cabbage. Interestingly, we trialled a new tactic of not playing flankers. Initially, in my naivety, I'd thought the guys wearing 6 and 7 would fulfil that role, but I now realize that they were there to drop the ball, fall over, or just generally hang around looking as helpful as tequila shooters on a Monday morning.

The backs were let down by some pretty shoddy handling, most guilty of whom was Tuitavake, who spent much of the first half with one eye on the ball and one on the gaping chasm in the post-World Cup All Black midfield. The back three was immense. With a combined weight of around 73 kilograms - incidentally, the same weight as the arse of Northland's handy right winger, Vainikolo - Pisi the Younger, Viliame, and Jack McPhee (He's Very Wee) had blinders. McPhee (He's Very Wee) began the game by getting away with one of the most horrifically obvious knock-ons in the history of rugby, then spent the remaining 70 minutes carving up acres. Vili looked typically dangerous whenever he got his hands on the ball, and Pisi the Younger had his best defensive game in Harbour colours, putting in two huge try-savers. Pisi the Elder started well with a couple of booming touchfinders and some nice steps, faded, then finished up by putting kicks out on the full and ushering man-of-the-match Holwell through a gap for what should have been the match-winner. Thankfully, Afoa and Rawlinson (appropriately) combined to save our sorry hides at the death.

Northland are a much better side than they've been in years and I'm pleased about that because I don't hate them. However, all things being equal, we will relinquish the Shield next week by about 10 points in front of a crowd of three hundred and twelve - two hundred and seven of whom will be Taranaki fans, and nine of whom will be ejected by Red Badge Security for partially obscuring an advertising hoarding whilst standing eating hot dogs. Another season of missed opportunities and misery beckons. Bring it on.