Try: T Dow, M Faleuka.
Cons: J Arlidge.
Pens: J Arlidge.

I can't help but feel sorry for Northland. They, like us, suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in being Auckland's poo-pump boys. Players would rather warm the bench of the Auckland 2nds than play for us or our northern brethren, simply because the Scum can offer ten times the cash and twice the incentive (Super 12, not least of all).

So it was that our poorer cousins, with their sunken eyes, tatty clothes, and welfare cheques, traipsed down for another beating, and it was difficult to imagine anything other than the death over the next few years of provincial rugby. Further evidence, if any were needed, was in the Stadium of Echoes - our monumental erection that always seemed a bit too decadent for its own good, considering we only filled Onewa Domain once or twice - where a crowd of about 37 give or take were asked to give a moment's silence to the memory of Slade McFarland's dad. The silence extended, as it has done for the past seven years, to about 82 minutes, which was just long enough for us to put together our second consecutive polished performance. And for the Auckland talent scouts to no doubt wave a fat pile of lolly under Nick Evans' nose.

Our forwards worked well, Cribb leading the way and Marty Veale consolidating his spot in the lineout. Our backline is looking more and more like a flashy bunch with a bit of hardness: Meilei and Tuitavake are forming a good partnership, and the wee South African is a revelation at halfback. All he needs to emulate Sharky is to be given a Super 12 contract and then have it burnt in front of him whilst being told he's not even in the top ten in the country and why don't you just fuck off 'coz you won't play for Auckland? And hair.

Tusi Pisi is also performing the duties required of him. By other teams. The TAB should start offering odds on Pisi to become the first man to score a try for the opposing team. There is no bottom to this man's box of tricks. Silao Laega, Tusi Pisi. Coincidence or conspiracy? Think about it…

Nice work, Northland hooker man who dotted down having stepped and outpaced our entire team. Even though you actually knocked on before grounding it - bringing to six (four at Southland; one at Wellington when the video ref didn't actually let the video replay run long enough to see Alcock ground the ball) the number of tries this season that we have either conceded or been robbed of through bad refereeing - we will let you off because your team really has got fuck-all else going for it.

Finally, congratulations to the ING accountant who was part of the half-time entertainment and who would have won himself a barbecue if he had listened to the rules. But who instead lost to, among others, a frighteningly bovine-esque Northland woman with unfeasibly saggy tits.