Pens: G Smith (2)

Considering how shit Manawatu are - sorry, I mean, considering how they're still learning the ropes and making great strides every week - there was a reasonable crowd at the Theatre of Ratepayers' Burden. Apparently it was 'Ladies Night', which might on the surface have appeared to be a desperate attempt by a poverty-stricken union to get some muff through the gates in the hope that it might attract randy Shore boys after a quick shake-n-vac. But this would not only be cynical, it would be sexist.

Suffice, then, to say, that there did seem to be more ladies there and they appeared to be enjoying themselves, provided that they weren't within earshot of Fat Sweaty Tool - perhaps not the name his mother gave him - who made occasional references to their pudenda (only he used a different 'p' word) and who kept shouting at George Pisi and Waqaseduadua throughout the first half despite one of them being on the bench and the other being in Fiji. By the time George Pisi actually made it onto the field, Fat Sweaty Tool was going through the winding-down phase of red-eyes, brooding silence, and quite likely flaccid shrivelled todger.

To the match. Roger the Hairy Hooker's back. Whilst it sounds like an invitation to engage in dubious sexual practices with hirsute ladies of the night, it is, rather, a whimsical double entendre alluding to the fact that last year's harbourrugby.com cult hero, Roger Dustow (according to recent census figures, the only white man living in Massey) has got the #2 jersey back. As Manawatu's best player was their #4, it's something of a compliment to say that our lineouts seemed to be a bit better than the shambles of last week.

And on more pressing matters of state. When I played my first year at fullback as a fourth former at a reputable Shore high school, I once allowed a 50/50 garryowen to bounce a few feet in front of me. It shot 20 metres past my outstretched leg and into touch 5 from our tryline. I cursed myself and made a personal vow not to let 50/50s go begging ever again. This decision came too late for our coach, a sadistic man with a vague tendency toward buggery, who at game's end beat me severely.

For many years, I was taught that the fullback's job is to catch, kick, tackle, and be in position. Exceptions were made for Serge Blanco, Andy Irvine, John Gallagher, Christian Cullen, and Kieran Crowley who were permitted to run at the expense of one of these things - and in Crowley's case, all of these things. And running, too, come to think of it. Neither the Manawatu fullback, nor our own Zar Lawrence (who isn't actually a fullback anyway - Pollock's reached for the 'How To Destroy A Player's Confidence' manual) are in the same league as the first four guys aforementioned, so they really shouldn't be letting the ball hit the turf. It seems to be endemic in rugby at the moment. I'm guessing it's because the fullbacks are a bit gutless these days, although they'd probably say that they can "read the bounce". Credibility factor: fuckall. Catch it, stains.

Enter Pisi the Younger. Harbourrugby.com has contacts everywhere, including the upper echelons of the medical fraternity and in an exclusive we can reveal that DNA testing proves that the Pisi who came on as sub in the last 20 minutes, almost scored from a mazy 40-metre run with his first touch, then did score at the end, is not related to the Pisi who threw critical-care passes and kicked 1 from 6, including a poster from out in front.* (Not be too harsh on Tusi, he's not a goalkicker and it's a sad reflection on the state of our union that when Luke's away, we're guaranteed to chuck at least 10 points a game due to a dearth of kickers. Tusi is, after all, having his best season ever.) Georgie's got big bollocks for such a wee man and it's a credit to him that he was the 2nd -best back on the pitch even though he was only out there for quarter of the game.

We hung around in second gear for much of the game, and had a wee third gear spurt just after half-time that was more than enough to account for bottom-of-the-heapers. Tony Tui was a class above everyone else on the park. Otago'll have their wallets poised. Shield challenge next week? Shame, 'coz our miserable record in these games will cancel out our promising recent form against Canterbury.

• Maximum respect to Vili Waqaseduadua, back in Fiji with family issues. Harbourrugby.com loves you.
• Guarded, cautious thanks to coach, Allan Pollock. We've qualified 2nd in our group, after all.

*That DNA stuff is lies. A metaphor, if you will.