North Harbour vs Hawke's Bay North Harbour Stadium 7:35pm, Thursday 28 July 2011
10	39
Try: M Luamanu Con: B Botica Pen: W Walker	Tries: T Saseve, S Tuamalolo, T Umaga Marshall, G Kaka, H Forbes Cons: A Horrell (4) Pens: A Horrell (2)
Halftime: 3 - 17

My first night at the stadium this year.

At 5:30, I parked the old Ford outside Burger King, bought some small chips, wondered whether there might be a Bs game (or some other curtain-raiser) on. This is a monumental decision. Walking the 800 metres to the stadium two hours before kick-off could go either way: you could get in, or you could arrive to tumbleweeds, dueling banjos and the faintest hint of distant, squealing piggies. I decided on a coffee at the new McDonalds across the road from the stadium - the one that appears to have been built for the express purpose of fattening up small rugby fans for a lifetime of diabetes and ridicule from people like me. I think I might have seen Ben Afeaki in there. Nice coffee at the McCafe, served by a very tidy bird.

Strolled across at 6:30, bought my ticket from the pimpled youth at the stand.
"Anything else, sir?"
"No thanks, young chap, though you could stop touching your face before you hand out tickets."
"Certainly, sir. Here's a programme. It's free. Sir, are you all right? Someone call an ambulance. This guy's gone into convulsive shock."
Polite lad; no queues. The programme's not much cop, to be honest, but who really cares? (Apart from Programme Pete, the Harbour Geek - I love that guy.) A quick scan of the teams shows that Willie Walker has returned to first five-eighth after a ten-year trek around the globe gaining experience in how to be an average first five-eighth, and that Codey Rei has returned to fullback. Codey Rei, in the 'Know the Boys' section of the programme says that the following advice is the best he has ever been given: 'Respect and listen to those who want to help'. It's actually a remarkably brilliant piece of advice which I won't mock. (His favourite rugby ground is The Gully at NPBHS, a truly magnificent arena when the whole school is in full haka flight. Check it out here, though it doesn't quite capture the scope of the place. The programme also shows that the Bay left winger is called, rather improbably, 'Gillies Kaka'. This is the most stupid name in rugby.

Inside the ground there was indeed a curtain-raiser. In a pre-cursor to Saturday's club final which statistics show 99.6% of the union want Silverdale to win - don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger of truth and righteousness - some wee fullas were playing rippa rugby. Generally I've thought of this version of the game in much the same way I've always felt about Restricted grade rugby; that is, an illustration of just how much we as a society have gradually grown ovaries. However, it was rollicking good stuff. Silverdale had a demon speedster with flowing blonde locks who dotted down about five times. Amazing to think that in just ten years he'll be going for boozy surfing road trips to Raglan with the boys once a fortnight, married with four children, and cheating on his hot Coastie wife with his best friend's hotter missus. Statistically speaking. Messenger of truth. However, Shore won it by 10 tries to 7.

I moseyed along to the bar area where the staff have spruced up a bit. They're resplendent in maroon and considerably slimmer and prettier than they've been in the past. The beers had been 'de-pressurised' for some reason I couldn't be bothered to find out, but it didn't have any effect on me anyway because I only wanted six and I'd drunk five of them by halftime. I also paid a visit to the merchandise store to buy a hoodie, a la last week's match reporter. I thought I'd best go before the game because he was thwarted by the stall being closed later. I was thwarted by there only being M (for the ladies), XL (for the obese) and XXL (for the family camping trip to Mangawhai). Not to worry. Stopped on the way back for a coffee to complement the beer - very nice.

The ground announcer sounded like a good bloke. One hopes they shot the last c*nt. The music early on was oldie NZ stuff like The Mockers; later on it was more contemporary stuff with no melody or actual instruments, but it made the young folk dance around a bit which was nice. The crowd itself was biggish (maybe five thousand) and included a boisterous bunch of lads from Something Grammar School in England who made lots of noise. Well done to youse fullas.

Then the game started and our team got f*cked in the arse again. Gillies Kaka was mint.