Two big questions were doing the rounds at the 'Pukekohe International (sic) Stadium': where was the Harbour team which destroyed Waikato last week by tearing them apart and pissing on their in-bred remains?; and why do poor people have so many babies?

The match was demonstrative both of how far and how little Harbour has progressed. Far, because a couple of seasons ago we'd probably have lost, and little because we were pretty awful against a team of mongols. Then again, any side would have looked ordinary on a pitch which was akin to a strip of Amazonian basin immediately after McDonald's had got to it for its latest McEnvirodestroyer Supreme with cheese.

With Buck having 'rested' McFarland and Lord, it became apparent early on that our tight five were not quite up to it. We knew this because whenever a scrum packed down the ground announcer would verbally orgasm into the microphone: "LLLLLLLLLLLLLet's haaaaaaaaaave a TIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT HEAAAAAAAAAAAAd!!!!!!!!" followed by "UUUUUUUUURRrrrrrrgh". Giacheri couldn't match his game last week, looking for all money like Godfather Lorenzo had sent La Familia round to "stitch him up, capiche?" and Liam Barry played like he was old. Oh yeah...

When Frano and Leo Sayer (Matua Parkinson) came on, the game took a turn for the better, inviting the question of why the king of lounge/pop/disco was left out in the first place. He scored a lovely try and even the high-pitched wails of the free-admission primary schoolchildren could not inspire Counties to steal the game towards the end, although there will doubtlessly be ample opportunities for thievery in the future for these young larrikins, albeit not on the rugby field. One young lad (circa 7 years), resplendent in his Drizabone (remember, further up the food chain than Mooloos and their swandris) and with socks tucked proudly into gumboots, amazed us with his ability to eat his chips whilst simultaneously swiping the half-full Fanta bottle from his friend's jacket pocket before ghosting tracelessly into the spartan crowd.

Only about 2000 turned up (although that didn't stop P.A. man: "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLet's BRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrriiiiiiiiingggggggg it HO-o-o-o-ommmmmmme, COWINTEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS" - bring what home? The groceries? The potted silage? The hubcaps from that nice Merc in the carpark?) and about 1800 of them were children who were only there to play in the mud and to pilfer. I've never been so relieved to see my car in the same place I left it. Wheels intact.

Still, a much-needed, invaluable away win going into the toughest fortnight of the season and Counties, with their bonus point, might just avoid the drop, although Taranaki will administer their traditional beating to us at the Bullring. It'd almost be worth heading down to 'kohe for their last game just to hear P.A man roar: "RRRRRRRRRRRRRelegAAAAAAAAAaaaaaashhhhuuunnnnnnnnn, HEEEEEEEERRRRE WEEEEEeeeeee CUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMM" over the tannoy.

One suspects we'll need at least 4 points out of the The Scum and the Sheep-Shaggers and history suggests it's not going to be next week. However, those big-city bastards will bring their travelling support and I'm well up for a fight. Let the bridge burning commence.

(FOOTNOTE: harbourrugby.com wish in no way to suggest that children born to Counties parents are pre-disposed to theft. This is a joke. We don't even know anyone from the area, nor would we ever want to.)