Tries: J Paterson (2), I Ross,
P Williams, M Paterson
Cons: C Slade (4)
Pen: C Slade

Harbourrugby.com is renowned for its steadfast and commendable refusal to pander in this digital age to media-friendly soundbites, empty platitudes, and controversial statements in the name of cheap laughs and fast cash (please feel free to send us cash, by the way). But when our London correspondent makes the pre-match observation that our backline is too white, we have no option but to agree. Canterbury, of course, is a fairly white team, but their white men have been raised on a diet of mutton chops and buggery so they're much more inclined to be up for a bit of whatever it is they're up for down that way.

We have been growing steadily as a unit since the opening debacle at the Naki, and it would be nice to think that this piss-poor performance was but a glitch. I'm less confident now. Our forwards were truly gutless in this effort and we can count ourselves lucky that their forwards and butter-fingered wings were only 30-odd points less awful than our miserable lot, otherwise we'd have been on the arse-end of a nasty bit of high country reaming.

That Smylie and Gopperth managed to emerge from this game not looking like the worst half combination in the history of rugby owes nothing to the forward pack and everything to their own resourcefulness. They were heading backwards for the whole game and although Gopperth occasionally decided to give the ball wide despite it really, truly never being on at any stage ever, you could forgive him for not wanting to appear greedy. Nafi Tuitavake touched the ball, we think, once. Circa the 67th minute he strolled off for a pie and coke combo, returned in the 74th minute, and resumed his position without anyone noticing he'd gone. He's got a bag of potential but it's a fat f**king waste if all our forwards do is bend over and receive a good Canterbury dagging.

The loss of Boric was noticeable. Smith at lock means that we lose a great blindside and gain a sub-par middle-rower at a time when we don't have a good blindside to replace him. The front row were simply monstered and James Afoa looked a bit peeved about it. Is that Afeaki chap injured? Wasn't he the Next Big Thing? Where art thou, Largely-Proportioned Burger-Eater?

Our points this week need some clarification. Smylie gets 2 for being not useless; Harris gets 1 for telling the water-carrier to get f**ked after said water-carrier conveyed a message from Pivac to Gopperth to kick for goal when we were clearly going to get humped and desperately needed a try. Needless to say, Harris' protestations were ignored, but we appreciate the sentiment. Anthony Tuitavake gets 1 for turning up to watch and signing autographs for the nippers when he was clearly suffering some facial discomfort. Granted, he was probably only there to watch Nafi, but we'll delude ourselves into thinking he was there for the love of Harbour. No-one gets 3.