It’s a bit sad when as a semi-respectable harbourrugby.com correspondent you pen your match report on a Tuesday expecting the worst from a game not due to kick-off until Saturday. Anyway I include them both:

TUESDAY
So off we went to the land of the men who seek the sphincter of sheep. The cold, rain and driven snow did nothing to dull the spirits of Canterbury's chosen fifteen and certainly did no favours to North Harbour's rudderless vessel. We don't need a flipping Harbourmolester; we need a faith healer, a heart transplant and some intelligence from those who run the game.

The gulf between the Faggy Five and North Harbour is opening wider than a sultry vixen from Carmel College on teachers-only day. (For the record we apologise in advance to this well-known Catholic girls school and have no knowledge of the behaviour of their pupils outside the confines of the religious school environment. Ok, we have a little knowledge but nothing more than a friendly grope).

Moses himself could not have foreseen a sea so wide. Even God Almighty would have had difficulty in repairing such a rift within the stipulated time constraints available to him.

We are in some serious doggy dodo.

Canterbury toyed with us like a master puppeteer and um... a puppet. Nothing but a pair of snug Velcro gloves and a warm, willing ram could put a smile on the faces of their supporters like the performance of North Harbour. Two games two losses, not ideal but nowhere we haven't been before. The problem with this year is that we don't seem to be gelling, disjointed is one word, down right awful is another. Again, nowhere we haven't been before.

We need to shake the monkey off our backs and the only way to do so is good hard graft and some exciting back-play. I'm not sure the current set-up can deliver. We need a win at home next week like a resident of Beach Haven needs 24hr-armed security with agressive canine. The coach will be shitting big style and desperately phoning forgotten contacts of large Japanese Fortune 500 companies for future employment opportunities. Harbourrugby.com would be happy to forward a constructive reference upon written request.

If I knew where he lived we could mount a proper witch-hunt and carefully planned rear-guard vigilante action. Least if we got caught we could say we had a gameplan.

Why, why, why Delilah.

SATURDAY
The North Harbour travelling NPC circus this week travelled to Canterbury and the fortress of Sodom. After the disappointment that was Taranaki (the game and the region) change was in the air as we welcomed back our All Blacks except for Newby who is a cock.

The Cantabrians kicked off their celebrations of 125 years of rugby and shameless forced copulation with ruminant mammals. They were no doubt forecasting that their money-spinning Crusaders would reign supreme over the penniless cousins from the north and take home the spoils of war and some more unsuspecting domesticated livestock.

The first half started well with a try to young Evans and we kept the pressure on with good forward play and improved tactics. Although we went through periods where we conceded points like a sieve with an incredibly large hole, we didn’t give up. Even at times when the Cantabs walked through us repeatedly at will waiving their cheque books in our shocked and disappointed faces we showed a certain degree of resolve.

30-13 at halftime and although we came back strongly in patches during the first forty, conceding 20 points to the All Black B side looked like a river to wide to breech.

The second forty was to provide some of the most entertaining rugby seen in the competition for many years. Harbour scored 30 points and that alone must give the players incredible heart and boost the belief within the side.

I’ve been riding the backs of our forwards for sometime and I’m proud to say that they have delivered an excellent performance with interest. Our backs look awesome and will be a match for any defence. The forwards must secure quality possession and provide a solid platform. The match today has shown that they can do it and I hope this is a cheeky insight into a season renewed.

Taking a draw from the sheep-stealers looked about as likely as Jimmy Hoffa turning up to a Teamsters Reunion. Most teams would have give their right testicular gland for a couple of points at Christchurch and it is these points which may prove very valuable as the season progresses.

I thought we would have lost and lost by a fair few. We drew and almost stole the game. I apologise for doubting my beloved Union and look forward to an improved performance at the Stadium of Echoes next week.