Tries: D Braid, C Heard
Cons: B Ward (2)
Pens: B Ward (3)

The match report: we were gutless losers who didn't even so much as grant the Scum the pleasure of our turning up in order for them to thrash us. Work that out, Pat Lam.

Our forwards were a fucking shambles. Our wingers were outclassed. The only men who deserved to be on the park were our centres.

Shame. Not the passive, "It's a..."; rather, an "I feel fucking...for supporting these c*nts" kind of shame.

Moderate ups to Mattson Mariposa Crescent, the Auckland fan who understood how shit we were and how little it mattered in a sea of otherwise soft-cocked blue and white fuckers who we'd've fucking had if they'd wanted it.

And congratulations to Red Badge Security who minimised the extreme security risks throughout the evening. We have an exclusive interview with Ma'apusua Fa'alogo, head of Red Badge Security:

HR.Com: Ma'apusua, great work out there today. We particularly liked the way you disposed of that mentally handicapped man following his very loud shouting.

Ma'apusua Fa'alogo: Yes, sir. I'd just returned from chapel service at Eden Road Baptist to see this distinctly disturbed individual dressed in Harbour colours acting in a suspiciously retarded manner. So I made sure that we removed him from the danger area.

HR.Com: What was your take on the situation when he raised his hands in a state of confused bewilderment?

Ma'apusua Fa'alogo: He was reaching for his piece. It's important on the spur of the moment to ensure crowd safety. Unlike ourselves, the public are not trained to see danger. I'm from Mangere where da bloods and da crips go hard out. They think that they are having some harmless fun when in actual fact they are being disruptive to the enjoyment of everyone else.

HR.Com: Thank fuck you were there. All 84 people on the terraces were shaking in fear at that young man's insubordination.

Ma'apusua Fa'alogo: What does 'insubordination' mean?

HR.Com: It means that you're an ignorant, power-tripping wankstain. Let's move on. I noticed that you also managed to apprehend that young underage Auckland scoundrel who was quietly supping his Export Gold. At harbourrugby.com, we hate Auckland more than most, but even we thought perhaps that you were being a little excessive there.

Ma'apusua Fa'alogo: He was breaking the law. We are obliged to deal with perpetrators who breach the law.

HR.Com: You don't actually know what 'perpetrators' means, do you?

Ma'apusua Fa'alogo: Yes, I do. I learnt it in night school.

HR.Com: Well, forgive us, but the way you used it in that sentence just there was kind of tautological.

Ma'apusua Fa'alogo:

HR.Com: Clearly, there was a situation that required police assistance, which is why two lads in blue spent the last 20 minutes watching the 16 Harbour fans lest they shout too loudly and disrupt the enjoyment of the 68 other people on the terraces..?

Ma'apusua Fa'alogo: What does 'tautological' mean?

HR.Com: It's Norwegian for "You're a bunch of over-reacting c*nts who make a good, lagered-up evening out at the rugby feel like a Stalinist boot-camp." We got thoroughly dicked but everyone there knew his boundaries. Why don't you just get fucked?

Ma'apusua Fa'alogo: What does Stalinist mean?

HR.Com: Your name has too many vowels. If you quit your job, you could sell some to Eastern Europeans, sell back your apostrophes to the British, and everyone would be happier.

We lost. We deserved it. We didn't show. All the sparse crowd had to entertain themselves with was their voices and their beer. Well done, Eden Park. Great show. Roll on the World Cup.