Tries: T Koonwaiyou, B Mika, I Nacewa
Cons: B Ward (3)
Pens: B Ward (2)

A few weeks back, I watched Tusi Pisi fluff a drop-goal attempt for Massey in their club championship winning match against Takapuna. At the time, I felt prompted to unleash my pent-up years of frustration at this decidedly average player - something that the Massey fans with the patches on their eyes (to match the ones on their jackets) took me to task over. I piped down, for fear of my life, after one Pisi-loving gentleman from West Harbour dug as deeply as he could into his impoverished vocabulary bank to retort with "Fuck off, faggot, fuckin' faggot". Yet despite his best efforts to convince me that Pisi was not a shit rugby player, I remained stung by the several years of missed touches, wayward running, dodgy passes, and aimless goalkicking. Except for the latter, the full gamut was on display once again on Saturday night against the Scum. As an extra special gift to the Harbour fans he introduced his latest weapon, the Critical Care Short Ball: wait until the opposing backline (with the not-soft Ben Atiga) is within a metre, then offload to the player outside, who will complement your insanity by getting cut in half and requiring immediate medical attention while the other lot run the length of the park to score.

Pisi aside, we camped in the Auckland half for 35 of the first 40 minutes, yet you'd be hard-pressed to recall us actually making any forays into their 22. The Harbour forwards were better than the other lot but our backs were patently awful. In an attempt to make his Massey team-mate look not so bad, Andrew Whiteman did a good job of looking not so good. Zar Lawrence on the wing had a great game. For them. The new halfback ran hot and cold, although won a few friends in our group by shattering Doug Howlett's pancreas with a bone-cruncher that the referee penalised for being a hate-crime against homosexuality. Or would have if Howlett were gay, of course. Which he probably isn't… Tipoki and Tuitavake couldn't really get going, which was strange considering the plentiful supply of great ball from the first five-eighth. After about 60 minutes, with the game just about out of reach, Pollock decided to ring some changes that included bringing off the match-winning fly-half and bringing on Roger Dustow who might have been a better starting option in that position, even though he's a hooker. He and fellow front-rower Adrian Donald managed to get themselves embroiled in a minor dust-up with a couple of Auckland thugs, for which they are both commended by harbourrugby.com Violence is not condoned on the rugby field, except when Auckland, Canterbury, or Byron Kelleher are involved.

There will always be problems when you go into a match without a recognised goal-kicker, and 'recognised' for the purposes of this match report, does not mean 'by your mum'. There will also be problems when you give average opposing first-fives with little going for them but a bit of toe, acres of time and space to conjure up at least glimpses of magic that Paul Daniels could work from. When our own flyhalf is less Paul Daniels, more Stacey Daniels, we're on a hiding-to-nothing.

Where's the Jack Daniels?