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 MacDaddy
spent a week at a fashion show, checking out boobs and Guinness.
Now he's an expert on style.
Our wearability
grade is computed based on whether the jersey is wearable in a first-world,
democratic country that knows f**kall about rugby fashion.
A = could be worn with confidence in Milan, Paris, Tokyo,
or New York without people thinking you have some kind of schizophrenic
detachment disorder.
B = could be worn in London or Sydney (because rugby is better
known there), although some people might think you were a bit strapped
for cash.
C = could be worn in Auckland or Wellington, but you'd have
a hard time overseas convincing even the biggest sports' fans that
you weren't stylistically retarded.
D = strictly for provincial New Zealand. Worn elsewhere will
mark you out as a pauper.
E = your love for your team is in direct proportion to your
love for looking like a c**t.
Auckland
Hasn't changed for a long time and still provokes pathological hatred
in just about everyone up and down the land. The original designer
said that the blue and white was intended to reflect the crystal
sky and shimmering ocean of the Auckland harbour, but seeing as
how every time I go out fishing it's pissing with rain and blowing
a force-ten gale, we can probably assume that the guy was a rampant
homosexual who smoked too much opium.
Wearability: B-, although F**kall people would be seen dead in
it. The sponsor's name is too big. Tacky.
Canterbury
Fairly recently, dragged their jumper kicking and screaming into
the 21st century by giving its black and red stripes a shimmery
look. The designer is highly respected in Canterbury circles. Sadly,
what he is respected for is bestiality. To be fair, though, it's
hard to make red and black stripes look good, and people down that
way do love their tradition, which is why they still adhere to the
Roman practice of buggering their brothers.
Wearability: D+, but compulsory national costume for skinheads
Counties/Manukau
In keeping with their fan base, the jersey appears to have been
cobbled together with whatever rags they had left over after polishing
the '78 escort. The end result is a potentially stylish black and
white Hawkes Bay-like number tainted with a couple of stripes of
the kind of red that doesn't exist in nature.
Wearability: D, but only team sponsors own one, anyway.
Tasman
Looks a bit like a league jersey, which is neither here nor there.
It's as inoffensive as their team.
Wearability: C
Wellington
Unfortunately for Wellington, black isn't the new black when it's
got yellow on it. The designer has hoped that some of the national
team success would rub off on the side but they've ended up looking
like Neath. In a belated attempt to justify the incongruous yellow,
they've taken to calling themselves the Lions, possibly because
lions prowl the jungles of darkest Africa wearing black jerseys.
Or because 75% of sub-Saharan Africa has jaundice. More drink.
Wearability: C
Taranaki
This one's pretty awful. The original designer was a farmer called
Dennis who was renowned for milking the bulls. He contracted syphilis
and its associated blindness.
Wearability: D-
Waikato
The only jersey in New Zealand that makes Taranaki's look good.
These pages have previously referred to this jumper as being the
result of a patchwork quilt lovingly stitched by the Ethiopian Women's
League for Trade Aid, and I see no reason for this assessment to
change. Unfortunately, it's the provincial jersey most often seen
abroad. I'll never forget strolling up the Champs Elysee on a warm
spring evening, surrounded by some of the highest quality minge
decked out in Dolce, Versace and Ralph Lauren: a Waikato couple
bailed out of the McDonalds, she sporting Postie Plus summer tee
and seventeen pounds of underarm fat, he resplendent in the unmistakeable
red, black, and yellow of the Mooloo. The world seemed to stop,
mainly because the passing cars thought he was a traffic light.
Wearability: E. If it were a cow, it would have been set on fire.
It's a national f**king disgrace.
Hawkes Bay
Simple, effective, recognizable.
Wearability: B
Southland
and Otago
I've lumped them together because both have some potential, but
both are a bit shit. There seems to be a need among jersey designers
in this country to get some yellow in there. Undoubtedly, it's one
of the cheaper fabric colours, but then we need to realize that's
because it's f**king ugly. Otago will claim something to do with
its goldrush days of yore, but as Blackadder tells Percy, "the colour
of gold is gold - that's why it is called gold." Otago's collar
and 'O' are the kind of yellow invented in a lab by the same guys
who made AIDS. Southland can proudly trumpet its Zero Fees and good
on them (although the Southland Polytech doesn't yet seem to be
registering yet on the Times Higher Educational Supplement of Top
200 world universities and technical institutes), but it looks pretty
desperate to bold it in caps on the front of a jumper.
Wearability: C
Northland
Looks alright. Shame their sponsors are mates with the AIDS-creating
lab scientists because it means that an otherwise respectable jumper
is consigned from a 'B' to a 'C'. It's also a shame that most people
in Northland would rather roll their jerseys into the world's fattest
bifta and smoke them.
Wearability: C+, but with a more colour-friendly sponsor, B.
Harbour
We've tampered with it a bit over the years, but because we don't
have a long history, we're allowed to toy with so-called tradition.
Many like the white with black and maroon single stripe and I reckon
it's got a nice feel to it, but I liked the black and maroon one
better. I was gutted to the core when we dumped the Hibiscus for
the Stadium roof-shaped 'Harbour' badge. The hibiscus will still
be around long after our white elephant Babel has crumbled. Jersey
usually looks classier because we rarely have a sponsor.
Wearability: B-
Bay of Plenty
Love that yellow. Goes so well with blue. Like Gin and lard. F**k
off.
Manawatu
Always been partial to green. Has a traditional Irish feel to it
that makes me want to drink heavily, sing songs, moan about colonization,
puke, and pass out. So, on that note…
Wearability:C- (coz it's still a f**king eyesore)
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