MacDaddy rebuts Hamster. And the Hamster takes it like a man.

The Hamster's a good fucker at heart but, being a <edited> man and a bit too fond of gin, a bit of a misanthrope: the kind of cunt who smells flowers and suspects a funeral. I, of course, am a bit more upbeat, courtesy of my good Celtic pals Johnny Walker and Jameson, who turn cold nights warm and knock me out before I start crying. Hamster is one of the original Harbour fans. He was there for Harbour's inaugural match and never tires of mentioning it to those who are jealous of the fact (me), or who simply don't give a fuck (everyone else). Thus, undeterred by unsuccessful Shield challenges aplenty, a multitude of losses to the Scum, and Super-10 semi-final and NPC Final losses chalked up in a hitherto 20-year lack of silverware and served with a surrogate cupful of bitterness, he tends to think of us as possessing more potential than we actually have. So, with a more realistic acknowledgement that we are more 'Naki and Southland than Otago and Wellington, here's the full story:

1. A Donald (Takapuna)

Hamster says: Probably played more games this season than ever before, largely due to his decision to play loose and tight. While he is a very solid player he consistently showed frailties in holding up his side of the scrum.

MacDaddy says: Donald's always been lucky to live in a union of skinny white guys and glory-hunting brown fellas. He had his best ever season in Harbour colours, which isn't to say that the guy can scrum but rather acknowledges that he found a new lease of life and managed to see through 60 minutes at a time without clocking some cunt. Which, on reflection, was disappointing. Scored more tries than most of the backs, has ticker, drinks piss.

2. J Hincho (N Shore)

Hamster says: Seemed to be the preferred choice ahead of people who were good. This guy looks like a non-athlete and plays in a similar fashion. Had trouble in adapting to a provincial competition and should be dispatched to Devonport to play with the hippies.

MacDaddy says: Pretty much agree with the Hamster. Started well (against Tasman) then spent the rest of the season throwing the ball to any fucker who wasn't playing for us.

3. M Noble (Helensville)

Hamster says: How the mighty have gained weight and fallen. Can't play a full eighty and his worth must be seriously questioned. Promised much and delivered f*@k all. Hear he is off to France for a ridiculous sum, will quite happily drive him to the airport if he could fit in my car.

MacDaddy says: Scrums reasonably well. Good call re the car.

4. R Wilson (Silverdale)

Hamster says: Pretty average, must apply as much weight in the scrums as Terry Wright might have (if he was a lock). He is young and may improve but will have to start moving out of puberty soon in order to be a force in 2007.

MacDaddy says: Name doesn't ring a bell.

5. D Fletcher (Northcote)

Hamster says: Ok, used sporadically and I think he can do a job but again will need to show some improvement. Probably a good club player at best.

MacDaddy says: Did good work in the tight but his lineout frailties were exposed when Hinchco was throwing. Might say more about Hinchco than Fletcher himself. A standard NPC lock.

6. A Boric (Marist)

Hamster says: Started off as captain and did a fair job. He seems very mobile around the park and should maintain his Super 14 selection. Definitely one for the future. Quite impressed actually.

MacDaddy says: Good call, although it should be stressed in the best interests of journalistic integrity that last year the Hamster thought this guy was a bit fucking average. Then again, I thought Mike Noble would be the Next Big Thing. I was only 67% right. (Expect that kind of witty wordplay to crop up uncredited somewhere in mainstream media in the next year or so. You cunts should be paying for that.)

7. R Tamihere (ECB)

Hamster says: I have no real beef with this character but loose forwards is a position we need to improve on very swiftly. We have no real outstanding 7 in the Union and you get the feeling Tamihere is there by default. Further reinforced by a lack of loosies in the Super 14.

MacDaddy says: Had a good season. We will never hold on to great loosies because we're too poor. This is as good as it gets so let's be thankful.

8. N Williams (Northcote)

Hamster says: Reasonably unimpressed with the big guy. Another one who did well last year but couldn?t repeat it. Showed mental deficiencies in tactics and a general lack of discipline. May get better with age.

MacDaddy says:

9. J Poluleuligaga (Massey)

Hamster says: No good, passes like his appendages (arms) have been stapled to his torso. We are in seriously need of a halfback and nobody on show this year is up to the Air NZ Cup.

MacDaddy says: Passes like he's carrying concrete blocks but was surprisingly good as an impact player. If he could pass like Rodley, or Rodley could run like him, then we'd have a Kelleher on our hands. But really, who wants an obnoxious Kelleher wandering the local bars trying to hook into their sisters?

10. Tusi Pisi (Massey)

Hamster says: Readers of this website will know our feelings surrounding Pisi. He had a pretty good year this year but still can't kick despite Pollock saying that this function of a first five is unimportant. Made the Crusaders which is a f@#king miracle, should drop Henry a Xmas card.

MacDaddy says: He had a good season. If we had a decent non-AB flyhalf, we might have a handy, non-kicking, part-time tackling, but vaguely creative inside centre to replace Rua. Pass me another whisky before I get nasty…

11. Rudi Wulf (Marist)

Hamster says: After his unfortunate experience at the shallow-end of the Poenamo pool, he seems to be back near his best. Hope he does well as he has all the talent in the world.

MacDaddy says: Actually, he doesn't. He had two very good games at the end when everyone else was pissed, hungover, and well beaten. Lacks pace, but he's got ticker. He'll be a valuable asset in a couple of years. Most likely to Toulouse.

12. R Tipoki (Glenfield)

Hamster says: Came back, looked good and then didn't. The last few games Tuitavake and him played were atrocious. He then decided to go to Canterbury which was a touch odd; if he doesn't come back for the ANZC next year he can rot down there.

MacDaddy says: Had a good season but for the last two games. Found his kicking boots in the last three matches which, sadly, were fucking awful. However, don't think it would be stretching the issue to call him our best captain since Buck. Yeah, go on, you're thinking about it but there were fuckall better. Pod? Cribby? Added mention: banned from the Blues. Couldn't've scripted it better. Walter captained a few games, of course. Excuse me whilst I masturbate.

13. A Tuitavake (Massey)

Hamster says: Probably our best back pound for pound. Fell away towards the end of the year but one who we rely so much on to make breaks and break attackers.

MacDaddy says: Yes, yes we do. Who didn't fall away at the end of the year.

14. V Waqaseduadua (North Shore)

Hamster says: Very exciting player scored the try to get the Shield and he will always be a favourite of the Harbour fans. Thought they looked to him to do more and more and he ran out of ideas towards the end of the season. Will continue to do a good job for us.

MacDaddy says: Particularly liked when he ran out of ideas, around Scott Robinson, and over the tryline to win us the Shield. The form wing of the competition. Duly rewarded with a Super 12 contract. In Dunedin. Convenient.

15. G Pisi (Massey)

Hamster says: Quality but suffered a bit like his Fijian colleague. They just expect a bit too much. In saying this he is probably my favourite player and I think he will go on to big things.

MacDaddy says: Saved his worst for the last game (and it was awful), but is the best fullback we've had since Ozzie, and the second-best ever to don our colours. Magnificent potential for ending up at Saracens or just plain crap from reading his own press. Next season will decide his career path.

Others:
R Dustow (Massey) - wish he played a bit more, his absence was felt in the last two games. Gem. Love the man like a brother.
M Reid (Marist) - a year too soon. Who?
D Kane (Marist) - who? Ibid.
F Stowers (Massey) - mince. Sound against shit opponents.
J Rodley (Marist) - played well in patches but not up to this standard. See Polu.
J McPhee (Glenfield) - makes good breaks but didn't see enough. I've heard he can kick goals. There's a novel fucking idea.
Z Lawrence (Takapuna) - not fancied this season, played out of position and had a 'mare. Lost a bit of confidence. Harbour seems to enjoy doing this to Takapuna backs. <edited> (to whom the Hamster appears to be referring) did a competent job of shitting his own Harbour career away without any help from Polly. Zar was crap last year on the wing. At least this year he had an excuse.
Puanani: solid defender. Reminds me of that hard Glenfield bugger we had a few years back who gapped it overseas.
N Simpkins: handy. Had ticker.

ABs:
Luke - thought it was his poorest season in Harbour colours. His performance against Canterbury would be one of the worst in the history of rugby. Played well for the All Blacks but didn't look like he cared much for the cardinal, white and black. Have you ever seen a player get off the field quicker in the game v Otago! Charlie must be hoping that the Golden Boy ends this NZ rugby nonsense so he can resurrect his "career" overseas after co-coaching the NH U/18?s. MacDaddy - He's alright by me.

Woodcock - the best player in the team and possibly the world. Class, class, class. Yes, yes, yes. Intends to retire to his farm in about 5 years so he's ours for the duration. Coz I believe him. Greg - we look better with him than without him. Best Japie in the comp. (and All Blacks). MacDaddy - I'd shag him.