In recognition of the penis-pulsating build-up to another "Battle of the Bridge", we review the last 5 wins over the auld enemy. Sadly we have only ever won five and I have been to all of them.

Spontaneous rampant masturbation springs to mind.

I include the 9-9 all draw at Onewa as that was pretty fantastic too. I have also added how harbourrugby.com has reported on these historic events since it's conception.

1989 (Onewa Domain)
Result: 9-9
I was a hairy, tubby Shore Boy with a fondness for this new Union, which was developing by the day. It was a bit like my first love, you weren't sure where the emotion would take you but it was going to be fun finding out.

It was our second year in Division One, this was perhaps the game we were all waiting for as we desperately needed to show that we could compete with the fags from across the bridge. They looked down at us with utter contempt usually reserved for the English gentry on an unexpected trip through Hammer-Hammer-Hampstead.

As previously mentioned I was reasonably young and from memory it was a very tight game and the goals were all kicked by Walter, who was reaching the apex of his considerable ability. I think this is where the true hatred for Auckland began as we should have won it and it was to be a long wait before the primate finally left our back.

1994 (Eden Park)
Result: 35-31
Q: What's the greatest day of your life?.
A: 4th of September 1994!

I'll let MacDaddy say it 'cause he can write better: "There are moments in time that freeze and indelibly burn themselves so deeply into your consciousness that they become part of your cell structure. When Walter came running toward us to dot down under the sticks and clap his lovely little hands, several million of my cells exploded into my underpants. It was a great game of fucking awful defence and open, flowing rugby and because words at times like these are so hollow, I shall say only that those who were there, know, and those who were not are emptier for it."

1995 (Onewa Domain)
Result: 12-11
Bit close this one, I fully expected another few years to elapse before another win over the scum but we snuck a beauty. Can't remember a thing.

1998 (Eden Park)
Result: 32-12
I swear to the almighty, I have no recollection of this. Must have been a bit pissed. I'll get back to you. All good though.

2001 (North Harbour Stadium)
Result: 16-5
William Shakespeare once wrote: "Forsooth, the Gods blew forth the fretful elements hence to the Stadium of Echoes and, contending with the swirled winds and the lashings of the sulph'rous all-shaking rains, the true and devoted legions did huddle together to crack nature's moulds: to throw defiance at Nature's germens; to consign the evil, despised sea-serpents back over yonder bridge; to ingest much ale-of-merriment; and - for but one of the hardy souls - to cast off clothing with gay abandonment.

Nigh on ten minutes had surpassed but yet we had inflicted great pain on these, the most foulest, diseased, clamorous slave-sons of finical knavedom - with Rua, God of the Step, pouncing upon an error of that most cullionly barber-monger of a whoreson rogue, Muliaina, to score by the sticks and bestir our loins.

But t'was the industry of those lesser-knowns which did cast glowing rays upon this most auspicious eve: Lord, McFarland, "JB" Buchanan, the Tongan of most cholerous name, Giacheri (the Moor of Roma). Of such undisputed mettle were these honourable men, at such a wanting hour, to make most grossly infirm the wherewithal of The Scum's pack, and to unfold the malady of those whom we despiseth. For it was they, in their inflamed passions, who did toil so manfully on the plane, as so we did in the stands. With our beer.

Perforce it was, in many respects, a 'bath': insofar as we were favoured, with the jewels of grace, to inflict such brutal and comprehensive punishment on they who have no fathers; and insofar as it was wet. Indeed, t'was just this very nature of the victory which led to one of our brethren removing, most saucily, his overgarments and thus exposing his nakedness outface for the rest to bear witness to the most basest and poorest shape that ever penury - in contempt of man - brought near to beast. And with such this horrible object plaguing our vision, we did pray for that cheeky endsforth whistle to propel us back to the happy hollow of the Poe and Gator".

2004 (Eden Park)
Result: 34-32
We won a cliffhanger and after a poor start we pinched it in the dying seconds, fucking marvelous. I wrote the match report that day: "We started like a scared, isolated rabbit looking over his shoulder only to find a hungry wolf complete with napkin, eating utensils and appropriate condiments. Rawlinson (looks like a menacing redneck out of a poor Steven Segal film) knocked the ball back into "no mans land", this was recovered by a diving Tuitupou and promptly Harbour went behind by seven points after less than 60 seconds on the clock. My heart sank lower than the ship that hit the iceberg and took on a wee bit of water. I sought refuge in the bar and tried to hide my frustration and rage in 10 cans of Tui.

The scum scored again and again. No longer was the alcohol enough to suppress my utter humiliation. Luke got a penalty but at 22-3 I was not extra positive.

The recovery was nothing short of a footballing masterpiece and devine intervention. We had seen glimpses of this in the Canterbury game but after losing to the thespian tossers from the capital, I thought this preverbal "well" might have all but dried up.

Newby charged down a kick and scored followed by Rico who responded in kind. McAlister's kicking display (100% and 19 points in total) was one of the highlights of the year for me and quite frankly, very arousing. It's not often you can use a player from Silverdale and sexual references together unless you are debating the moral and ethical issues surrounding inter-marriage.

So it was 22-17 going into the break and although my confidence was renewed, I certainly wasn't getting carried away with myself unless you count a quick trip to a secluded toilet cubicle.

Fast forward through to the 70th minute and Ben Atiga had scored and at 32-27 looked to have the game in the bag. Enter Rico the magnificent once again from stage right and a delightful little run to pass Muliania and score the greatest of all tries. McAlister's conversion was nothing short of spectacular and Harbour had secured a memorable win over the f-uckers from Shitsville".