From the desk of the Harbour Hamster, your grassroots reporter  

 

Harbour Hamster: Report #1
The first submission from our new roving reporter, the Harbour Hamster, reviews the state of the facilities at the twelve rugby clubs in the North Harbour Union. Enjoy!
 
East Cost Bays (Windsor Park, Mairangi Bay)
Comment:
 Some clubs are well-thought out, spacious and have good flow. This one doesn't.
Clubrooms:
 Thought by its owners to be a cunning blend of rugby club and cricket pavilion, it is in fact an architectural disaster with more columns than the Acropolis of Athens. The Acropolis, however, is a protected World Heritage site; this clubroom isn't likely to be any time soon. They have built an additional bar beneath the main clubrooms which can only serve as a private "fun-room" for the various sordid goings-on commonly associated with Bays rugby. The internal structure is a joke and should be ripped down and re-constructed by a primate with even a flickering of brain activity.
Ground:
 The number one field is currently being refurbished and should see the benefit of the ratepayers toils in the near future. Fields 2 and 3 are a disgrace. The posts are similar to those employed for midget rugby league and the surface of both fields is prone to flooding. The training pad serves as a base for bohemian mud-wrestling and nothing is pleasing to the more critical eye.
Changing Rooms:
 Placed in the middle of the of the complex, the changing rooms suffer the same tortured fate as many built around the same era. They are simply a cross between a repressive 1940's Third Reich Detention Centre and the traditional Kiwi rural utility shed. Rooms are small but livable; however in the midst of winter they can be a lonely, cold and damp environment.
Rating:
 3/10
 
Glenfield (Kaipatiki Park, Glenfield)
Comment:
 Some buildings are a magnet for adolescent LA-style graffiti...Glenfield does it better than most.
Clubrooms:
 Ugly, ugly, ugly. Painted black and a strangely faded orange, Glenfield is not an example of exceptional architectural brilliance. It does however score some points for effortlessly blending in with the local community. The ability to watching the game indoors with a beer is pleasing, though to be fair a lot of beer has to be consumed when watching the rugby outside.
Ground:
 The fields have always been wet, muddy and prone to water-borne diseases. Ok when the sevens are on but not later in the season after the aforementioned youths move in and use Kaipatiki 2 as a drag-strip and a 1970's automobile dumping ground. The council must make this a new priority after they finish with the wealthier areas of the Shore.
Changing Rooms:
 They have also opted for the same German designer as ECB did but took it to new depths with a room at the end on the building which serves no other purpose than to collect copious amounts of bird excrement.
Rating:
 3/10
 
North Shore (Vauxhall Domain, Devonport)
Comment:
 It takes sometime to get to Devonport from anywhere civilised and sadly the Vauxhall Sporting complex is somewhat of a mild disappointment for a club started before the birth of Christ.
Clubrooms:
 Gets points for being open-plan and suspiciously full of people after the final whistle. However it's a bit like pulling a Xmas cracker with your senile grandmother: harmless but a bit of a tired custom all the same. The bar is sound and the food excellent, however it just is missing something...apart from a good rugby team, naturally.
Ground:
 The fields have been completely re-done and are of a good quality and so they fucking should be for a couple of million dollars. The quaint viewing area and antique scoreboard are a feature of the historic tapestry. You are close to the action and the trivial dribbling of the disturbed local population.
Changing Rooms:
 They also went to Deutschland for advice but got side-tracked in the sin city of Amsterdam and came back with a design so baffling that only a person tripping on a LSD-fuelled drug-fest could ever make sense of it. Has no flow, smells and is generally small. Total crap and wins a point only for hiding it in a corner where no visiting team could ever find it.
Rating:
 6/10
   
Takapuna (Onewa Domain, Takapuna/Northcote)
Comment:
 Once the home of the mighty North Harbour Union (yes, our union). Now home to a reasonable rugby club and perhaps one of the better grounds in a region full of average grounds.
Clubrooms:
 Generally regarded as one of the better rooms in the Union. The eight-sided monster has been recently refurbished internally and is now a sound example of a tidy, functional club. If it has faults, it's probably too big. Given supporters of this team are usually conspicuous by their absence, after-match functions often resemble that of a reunion of the Westlake rowing eight.
Ground:
 The number one is a visually pleasing ground with plenty of room, lights and viewing areas. The other two grounds are getting the Council refurb treatment as we go to press and will probably end up being flat, very tidy, and - in keeping with the city council's penchant for sand as an earth-base - possibly reminiscent of Cheltenham Beach.
Changing Rooms:
 They are unusual because they are big and spacious. The architect of this building was a bit different to others and gave some consideration to people playing the sport of rugby union and their inherent needs. The famous cartoons while not PC in the new millennium, give an insight to our game of a different era. That era was apparently very unfunny. Pretty good facility, though.
Rating:
 8/10
   
Northcote/Birkenhead (Harvey Wright Park, Northcote)
Comment:
 No one likes to go to Northcote as you have to park in Birkdale and walk 2 miles to the ground which is shite. After the game you are solemnly resigned to the fact your vehicle is in Mangere, minus your wheels and painted a neat metallic blue.
Clubrooms:
 Krypton Factor springs to mind. Really, I have to say somebody must have been taking the piss when designing clubrooms and Northcote is no exception. If you can find the toilet then I'll buy you a pint. The ridiculous layout is only made worse by the yellow and maroon interior colour scheme. There are two bars upstairs (apparently) and one below. Christ knows how you find any of them.
Ground:
 Two grounds of very average quality. The storm water drainage system works overtime during winter and the precious natural commodity that runs into this park could keep an African puppet state in water for at least a year. The viewing area is old, mouldy and rotten. Wet and Forget could have a field-day up there.
Changing Rooms:
 The only redeeming feature of this hideous edifice. Spacious, well established and great showering facilities. Readers should be advised that the track between carpark and changing area is steep and should only be attempted by an experienced climber.
Rating:
 4.5/10
   
Silverdale United (Silverdale, Silverdale)
Comment:
 Once a trek of monumental proportions, now a quick 10 minute drive in a North Shore 4 x 4.
Clubrooms:
 They were a pile of steaming mince but now a good example of what can be done with a bit of elbow grease. It's most appealing feature apart from scantily-clad Hibiscus vixens, is the deck from which to view our sport. Simply outstanding and must be great for the bar and the profits derived from drinking piss until you spew. The rest of the internal area is sound and clean without being beautiful.
Ground:
 Four grounds that are really a bit below par. The number one has had a bit of attention but the rest are wet under-foot and could contain diphtheria, though this may be hard to prove.
Changing Rooms:
 Total embarrassment to an otherwise good score-card. Unless you are playing sevens forget about putting a team in there. Only good for storing tackle-suits and JB8 boots (but not too many).
Rating:
 8/10
   
Mahurangi (A long way away)
Comment:
 Let's face it, if it weren't for the Puhoi Pub no prick in their right-mind would go there...ever.
Clubrooms:
 Very, very average. They don't evince the kind of rage that Northcote or Glenfield do but it just is an open-plan pile of nothing. Not a bad deck but a bit loose in design features.
Ground:
 They are constructing a new field and it can't come too soon for a club anxious to have anything positive said about it. The two existing grounds are crudely marked by aggressive livestock and serves no other purpose than to graze wild animals. The only thing more disturbing than the condition of the paddocks are the creatures of the bush (reportedly to be human) who roll up on Saturday on the decks of rusty utes.
Changing Rooms:
 Mahu went for the farm utility design, popular with the rural clubs. Sadly, it is an abandoned milking-shed with no attempt made to disguise it as a changing-room fit for human inhabitants. A bit of disinfectant and paint wouldn't go astray.
Rating:
 4/10
   
Kumeu/Western United (Some park, Kumeu)
Comment:
 Another trek only suited to the patient Sunday drivers among us. I liked it a lot more when it was a Westy club with no pretension other than being a Westy club who sucked at rugby.
Clubrooms:
 Simply small and average. Got nothing against it but it certainly doesn't spring to mind as a building suitable for a Home and Garden centre page spread. Think the carpet might of changed, but maybe it hasn't.
Ground:
 The number one is exceptionally good and the other grounds very hospitable to playing rugger. Good points Kumeu on this achievement.
Changing Rooms:
 Small and again rural in its design. Cattle may still be stored in there and it shows. Nothing like a steaming cow-pat in ya gearbag.
Rating:
 5/10
 
Helensville (Some park, Helensville)
Comment:
 Shit, this is a long way away and if anyone has been there without getting lost thing I'll pull out a piece of my Hamster fur until it really hurts.
Clubrooms:
 Total and utter crap, pull it down before OSH places a restraining order on its use. My good, have some respect for your club and yourselves people. Could be the only club not serving beer on tap which is a crime of close to that of murder. (but enough of Helensville's local pastimes) Worst facility in the Union.
Ground:
 A very nice setting only spoiled by the locals and their Neanderthal ravings. Quite picturesque.
Changing Rooms:
 Worst in the Union, if you gear doesn't get stolen then you will shake in your boots at the intimidating concrete penal institution. Helensville went for the Third Reich thingy and brought over a well-known German General with an interest in amateur torture. This officer oversaw an example of Polish wartime camps second to none.
Rating:
 2/10
   
Massey (Moire Park, Massey)
Comment:
 Word from the wise, don't under any circumstances take your car stereo to this location, it will disappear.
Clubrooms:
 Reminds me of a "red-neck" saloon in the mid-west due to the strange wire enclosure facing the main ground. The inside is what you would expect from a public bar in this area, leather jackets, open plan nappy-changing facilities and pokie machines. They have done their best to improve their club but you come away feeling a little short changed.
Ground:
 See above, however their fields are usually in reasonable nick.
Changing Rooms:
 Not bad but again too small. Perhaps the architect was a relation of Chicken Little as that's about the only woodland creature that could fit in them. They have built more and decided that less was best. Generally they are tidy and your biggest concern remains the integrity of the lock and key.
Rating:
 5/10
   
Marist (NH Domain, Albany)
Comment:
 If these guys have any pull at the Vatican, I would try a get some divine help for this obscene debacle.
Clubrooms:
 Total crud. They lose serious points because unlike most of the other clubs they are the youngest and as such, had ample time to observe and build a structure that really works. They have failed at every level and apart from two nice fields, their facilities rate just ahead of Helensville. (and that's 'cause it's closer)
Ground:
 Two newly refurbished fields. The ratepayers have got their money's worth here.
Changing Rooms:
 Shit-house springs to mind. Small, pokey and connected from one side to the other. I think this was designed to be a well-thought out labyrinth. Instead its a festering hole of broken lights and doors to nowhere. Horrible.
Rating:
 3/10
   
Navy (Ngataringa Domain, Devonport)
Comment:
 No longer a senior club, sad 'cause it had cheap liquor.
Clubrooms:
  
Ground:
  
Changing Rooms:
  
Rating: