"I have just repaired to the secure confines of my bedroom - a place in which many a sperm has been spilled in the name of North Harbour rugby - and can say, beyond a shadow of inebriated doubt that tonight's Harbour performance was an embarrassment to the jersey, to the union, and to all those who have worn the colours. Tonight, I am ashamed to support my team. Hang on: I can hear you all now: 'that's harsh', 'you're being abit rough', 'they had an off-day'.

F**k off.

I was at Eden Park when we lost to the Scum by 50-odd and I didn't feel as ashamed as I do today, simply because back then (circa '96) I expected it. The Auckland team then was a crack unit of classy rugby players. The Auckland team now is a bunch of retarded mid-table-at-best mutants. We were an abomination. We showed no heart. We showed no pride. We allowed some Queen City tosspot to take the piss by dotting down in the corner by the dead-ball line. We were awful.

The writing was on the wall when the Shark went off, granted, but we can't even blame the no-name half-back who took his place because, in all honesty (a couple of weak passes aside), he wasn't shit. Our forwards were crap; our backs, crapper.

We are mince. I am annoyed. Spencer is a c**t. But he is a winning c**t who plays rugby and who cares. We are useless."