"As the 2000 Air New Zealand NPC season looms large before us we warily cast our eye over the nine provinces that stand between us and provincial glory.

Northland:
I have nothing but sadness for our Northern country cousins. The Blues franchise has virtually destroyed their soul, and it must be heart-breaking being a bit part player in a competition which is ripping the heart out of New Zealand rugby. The boys for the land of the "skunky green spliff" will do all right this season if only to show that their ticker still ticks and their fans have somewhere else to go during the week apart from WINZ.

Auckland:
The Scum

Counties-Manukau:
Who? Apparently Errol Brain played for them once and they were good. Now they're hanging around purely to make up the numbers. Oh well, not to worry, there's always the 2nd division.

Waikato:
Waikato think they're good, but apart from a dated shield (if we win it it will become the greatest prize in world football) and a disturbing passion for livestock, they are practically nothing. In saying this, the bell ringers from the south always manage to scrape a half decent team together and if Matt Cooper continues to play well into his fifties they have some chance of success. Their only redeeming feature is they hate Auckland probably more than we do.

Taranaki:
We have a lot to be thankful for when we discuss the relatively sparse virtues of the deviant west. First, on occasion they manage to beat the scum and this alone should be singled out for a special mention. Second, we must never forget that they sent possibly the worst Super 12 coach ever to the House of Satan and within 3 months brought the scum to its knees. Jed is a true martyr and without him the 'Naki would really be a complete collection of dairy waste products.

Wellington:
The great poachers of our time. Would put a hardened Afrikaner rhino hunter with 400 kills in the Sudan to absolute shame. I would be surprised if any of their side came within 600kms of our nation's capital. Wellington is a rabble of footballing mercenaries who always start well then deliver next to nothing. Lets hope that this season produces much of the same script and their onfield performances warrant nothing more than a casual glance at Jonah's ridiculous hair-tuff.

Canterbury:
Not a huge fan of the sheep-shaggers, but then again who really is? All I can say is that they were absolute trailer-trash until we kindly lent them Judas Mayerhoffler and Cibby. Christchurch has since became a force in Super 12 rugby and its high time that they gave Harbour some credit for their successful run.

Otago:
Their fans are a great source of jealously to us, as deep down we hope that one day the apathetic Harbour public will put down the DVD remote and actually turn up at the stadium. Having recently been to Dunedin I don't have a lot of poisonous words to say about Otago. We have shared some great games over the years most of which we have lost. The mascot has to go however, but with the total Neanderthal that is currently strutting around in our costume the less said the better.

Southland:
Charles Darwin's theory of evolution is quietly still in progress in the 'cargill. Next year it is rumoured that 4 of the forwards will graduate from all fours and begin to catch up with civilisation. I'd be surprised if anything good came out of Southland, and if there was something it would no doubt involve a genetically altered man-sheep."