Superclubs
24 July 2011

Superclubs. That's the buzzword around the traps. Clubs joining with other clubs to make bigger clubs that are better clubs. Clubs, clubs, clubs. It's one of those words that starts to sound a bit funny when you've had a skin-full like I haven't because the f*cking price of piss has gone up again, hasn't it?

I'm kidding. I'm off my chops.

Anyway, it got me thinking, this superclubs business. The idea is that they'll join together to make a more competitive club comp which will 'facilitate' the step up to the 'next level'. Now, I'm as skeptical as the next man when I hear terms like 'facilitate' and 'next level'. Kind of words used by twats in ties and cunts in cardies. None of them play the f*cking game, do they? Especially skeptical when the underlying idea is to help the Blues MacFranchise. But, I've got a reputation for open-mindedness, so I've chucked together a few potential mergers for the Harbour clubs. F*ckin' contemporary, go-ahead, blue-sky thinker, me.

Glenfield and Massey
Summary: Intimidating as f*ck. They'll be the closest thing we have to an Otahuhu. And if you've got car trouble, you'll find panelbeaters and towies in the same place.
The banter:
"You're a great mate, mate."
"So are you, bro."
"What did you just call me, mate?"
"Bro, bro."
"F*ck you, mate."
"F*ck you, bro. Amma smash you, c*nt."
New club name: Get F*cked We'll Bash You RFC

Takapuna and Western (previously Helensville and Kumeu, who were previously, Western, who were previously Kumeu, Riverhead, Whenuapai, Hobsonville and Helensville, who were previously &c. &c.)
Summary: Winning championships comes first; dignity and tradition further down the list. One offers a big, spacious clubroom; the other offers people to drink in it.
The banter:
"We're not interested. We're the most successful club in the union with over 75 years of proud history, including Gallagher Shields."
"You can keep 70% of the bar take."
"Where do we sign?"
"And we'll buy some big islanders to win us the title."
"Bula!"
New team name: Pragmatics RFC

Northcote and Mahurangi:
Summary: One provides the kind of ambient spot that thieves can nick your car from; the other provides for the thieves a clean stretch of road (Puhoi tunnel) on which to drag, drift, and blow seven shades of shit out of it, then abandon it. Also, both play in hoops. Save on jersey costs.
The banter:
"Another Red?"
"Yeah, only had a dozen."
"No worries, bro. You're only up the road."
New club name: Federated Jobless RFC

East Coast Bays, North Shore, and Silverdale
Summary: A club full of grumpy expats of countries infinitely shitter than ours. Poms and Yarpies (Jarpies, to use the correct Afrikaans) abound. They'll open up little stalls around the ground: boerewors on the braais prepared by small black slave children; steak and kidney pies with sides of jellied eels and vaguely-directed bitterness.
The banter:
"Too much fookin' sun, 'ere, like."
"And Maoris, yeah?"
"Fookin' Maoris, mate. Don't get me started on those Maoris. Think they fookin' own the place."
"Yeah, moy frent. I'm not racist, but I'd shoot the f*ckers before they get out of hand."
"I right fancy a cup of lard, like."
New club name: Hope and Glory Terreblanche RFC

Marist and Navy
Summary: Armed forces with the Pontiff on their side. They're on a sexual malpractice mission from God, in inflatable dinghies.
The banter:
"Don't touch me there, Father."
"You'll do as I tell you, Midshipman, and you'll like it."
"You're right. I do."
New club name: Roman Seamen RFC