|
22 July 2010
A few years back, the Hamster gave a detailed account
of each club's facilities, including the changing rooms. MacDaddy
goes balls-deep in search of the best ablutions in the Union.
Welcome back and f**k.
There we go. Good to get that first one out of the
way early in the season. Cathartic, that kind of shit. Usually makes
the editor go all Victorian proper with ****s and %#$"s and shit.
[Editor: Correct] And speaking of shit, I've taken
a few good dumps in a few good changing rooms around this fair union
of ours and had a few vindaloo rebounds that'd knock a boxer out
cold in some of the diviest, dumpiest holes you could imagine. So,
here it is: MacDaddy's guide to the changing rooms and shitters
he can remember availing himself of over the years. (Note - It's
been too long since I played at Marist or Mahu to give an accurate
account of those S-bends. Reckon Navy's were probably all right,
but you always get a bit misty-eyed playing at Ngataringa, the first
shield in the nation's defence against expensive booze. Last time
I played at Kumeu it was Western United and I was but a lad of 23.
Hated that f**king 'dump'.
Kaukapakapa
These cunts are Prezzies' Grade only but they're all rural charm.
Tucked away just down F**kbutt Nowhere Road, off the Old John's
Decaying Corpse Highway is Sinclair('s Been Stabbed And Left To
Die) Park. Picture this: two changing rooms, each bisected by the
showers - of which there are four. You have to walk through the
showers to get to the back part of the changing room. Confusing
if you're ODing on meth, apparently. Plenty of space; excellent
changing room / playing field flow; love the sign in the toilets
- "This water is not safe to drink". Part of the rural footie experience
and rugby as it should be. 8/10 Three marks off for the 2km drive
to the bowling club. One mark on for compulsory drink-driving.
North Shore
Changing sheds here are also about 2km from the drinking hole, but
with none of the 'rural charm' excuse. For the price of your will
to live, some grumpy cunt'll give you the story of "New Zealand's
oldest club, (not counting the other ones)", but f**ked if he'll
cough up a key when you need it. Reasonable shitters, but not enough
of them. I once saw a Glenfield Under-19 lad pissing into the shower
guttering and why wouldn't you? 2/10
East Coast Bays
These cunts have done what North Shore should've done. If you're
gonna make guys change away from the clubrooms, think about putting
a f**king path in. Well done, very good, top two inches, instant
kudos there. The chutes there are convenient and a suspiciously
sanitary for a footie club - illegal immigrant SAFers, I reckon.
Extra mark for making the Boers clean out some Islanders' shit.
Can't much remember the showers, but I suppose they've got them.
7/10
Glenfield
Just sit on those lovely porcelain thrones and know that Walter
Little's cheeks have grazed them, that his piss has dashed them.
Just don't tell your teammates, coz they'll look at you funny. And
don't actually sit on the porcelain unless you want herpes. And
don't ever shower there. 10/10, because nostalgia's priceless.
Helensville
The smallest and coldest f**king changing rooms south of John O'
Groats. As soon as you step out of your shoebox changing room, you're
in tunnel of Ross Sea wind that sends the gonads gutward. There's
a shitter, but I wouldn't recommend doing anything but nuking it.
Never seen a key guy. 3/10 for attempted rural charm.
Northcote
Plenty of space to move about in these changing rooms if you're
a f**king bulimic midget with no abdomen. Key guy: AWOL. Always
handy in the pissing rain in the middle of winter. Have never found
the shitter there, so generally leave a deposit in the showers.
3/10.
Takapuna
A step back in time: lots of sexist art from the 70s adorns the
walls. Feminists would have a ball with this joint. Maybe a couple
of balls. The showers have a touch of the Shawshank Redemption about
them, tucked away as they are at the extremities of the building
down long narrow passages. If you're keen, excellent rape spots
abound. Reasonable dunny-to-player ratio, but be prepared to use
your arm for post-evacuation coz toilet paper's in short supply.
Good security. 6/10.
Massey
Nice indoor/outdoor flow from changing room to field. Toilets are
spacious, plentiful, and stinking of the kind of piss output that
thirteen-month old Double Brown induces: a musky aroma of cabbage,
damp raincoats, and prostitutes with yeast infections. Guy with
the key is as happy and amenable as a man who knows he's got at
least 60 unmolested minutes with your gear bag. 6/10
Silverdale
A labyrinthine maze of the sort that only Agent Starling would enter
unaccompanied. "It rubs the lotion on its body." F**k that, buddy.
Two shitters to service one hundred and thirty six players and showers
that sporadically choke out water, none of which is hot. On the
other hand, excellent space in the changing rooms and the guy with
the key is usually obliging, though you can just send your slender
winger over the wall-to-ceiling gaps for easier access. 5/10
Rape, drink-driving, and wiping your arse with your
arm are not funny or clever, by the way. Neither are prostitutes
with yeast infections.
|
MacDaddy
Reports