Spot the Club Member ...

Match the following statements with a regular at a local Harbour club.

1. Boring South African who proudly wears his green jersey but wouldn't go home if you dragged his prejudiced butt up George Bolt Drive with a couple of willing yaks. Have seen about as much success as NZ First in recent times.
2. Grows the green in the weekend on a remote bush settlement, occasionally comes down to the city looking for a scrap but is most likely more at home in soiled farming garments and Wellington boots. Works part-time to keep the cops off the scent. Drives a ute.
3. Isn't a tow-truck driver 'cause it's too much of a cliche. Low-level engineer who likes to peruse 2nd hand car dealerships on a Thursday eve. Knows how to start a car with a coat-hanger and can change a wheel quicker than a Ferrari employee paid to do so. Isn't adverse to a quick pint at the RSA.
4. Isolationist who declared his area of choice an independent republic before acknowledging that he needed to get his car up Lake Road at least once a day. Dressed in 1960's attire but despite the Gandhi sandals, earns more than the PM and has a house that is valued in the high $800k's. Possibly a closet poof.
5. In most cases a genuine farmer who works for a living clearing gorse and livestock to make way for a 100 lot sub-division. Gave away farming when the old man died as he was a grumpy old sod who smelled a bit off. Goes to rugby occasionally but not enough to part with any cash. Waiting in vain for the expected population increase to save his derelict institution.
6. Ex-con who has felt the full impact of the recession. Lack of interest has seen him regard his club as a place to get cheap liquor only. While evading the local constabulary after a few quarts at a mate's place of work this person can be found on his front step, rolling his own cigarettes and wondering at what point his life changed for the worse. Thinking about facial hair.
7. Up and coming IT man who comes to the club around semi-final time. Talks about how wicked it was in the old days and sighs (trying to sound interested) about the state of rugby in general. Probably is not as successful as he thinks and will soon be made redundant. Chats up the bar girls but fails when he discovers loo paper stuck to his jeans. Wife picks him up in the orange Fiat Punto.
8. A bit lost in a settlement so remote even God forgot where it was. Is reasonably intelligent and writes poetry in the evening but doesn't share it with his red-neck brethren. Wears a Swandri but is more at home in a velvet dressing-gown with cravat. Works at Mitre 10 but would rather be in education, sadly his Mother thought it was unbecoming to a son of a mud wrestler. Has a gold tooth.
9. His suburb is now more in common with China than to some place closer. Discouraged at his fish and chip shop only selling noodles and pork-belly won-ton soup he hides his rage in the club bar. Talks to others of years past and when men where men and women ... well not sure about those weak fools. Laughs nervously when asked about the wife and realises that she left with the kids in 1979. Thinks this year is the year for club glory but then again it could be the next. Unshaven.
10. Told his mates he surfed the Pipeline on the big blow of '96. More likely struggled with a boogie board and Warehouse flippers at Little Manly. Wears Quicksilver and leather jewellery, has a hot Mrs. and wonders if her being at school is regarded as a bit weird. Doesn't mind a bit of strange once and awhile and is quite artistic. Goes to the game 'cause he played half a season of JB 7 but doesn't recognise the players.
11. Picked on as a child and wanted to be good at rugby to impress his Dad. Compensates for lack of power and poor self-esteem by controlling grown men. Forgot to go to the class about the rules but thinks he can get that sort of info from the telly. Likes the gear they get but sadly wears it to local restaurants. Even takes the bag. Enjoys the after-match but lingers in the shower-block longer than is necessary.

Answers:

1. ECB
2. Mahurangi
3. Massey
4. North Shore
5. Kumeu
6. Glenfield
7. Takapuna
8. Helensville
9. Northcote
10. Silverdale
11. Referees