I'm a smart man, my mum always told me, before she was locked away in the loony bin. Readers of my column have come to expect hard-hitting exposes on everything from fashion to pubs to youth culture. (Take a trawl back through my articles and you can see that I'm the best on this useless site. That Hamster can stick his furry form right up my arse.) However, not many c*nts know that I'm a psychologist and one of those blokes who can analyse people's writing. But I am. So, I've gone to work on a recent bit of correspondence from 'D-Dawg'.

To the unofficial harbour website, Get a life.
Nice intro. Punctuation's on the outer, like I always told my teachers. "It doesn't matter, sir" I'd say. "What are ya getting all worked up about?" as I'd s'tick random apo'strophes and, commas wherever the f**k, I liked. Shows a healthy disrespect for rules. Rules are just things that rich cunts use to get richer with, I say.

Your probably a sad group of old fat men sitting in yourhouses on your computers writing trivial sh*t about people.
He's on the money there, I'd say. Perceptive guy, eh? Possibly a bit artistic, too, judging from the way he's not scared of compounding 'your' and 'houses'. Nice casual use of 'sh*t'. Actually, this c*nt could be my mum. Let's read on…

Heres asuggestion get a f**king hobby,go travelling or you could all meet up and bum f**k each other and cry about harbour should have won.
Not Mum, then. Reason I know this is coz there's a bit of the old homoerotic creeping in. Definitely a guy, then. Suppressed bum desires…hmmm, common. Possibly a rural type. Hard to say.

you go on about all these boys with " last names" and how useless they all are at least they have something going for them and not just a website on a provincial rugby team you tragic arssholes.
F**king baffled. Don't know what any of this means. Like the new spelling of arssholes, but.

Who cares if mcphee has a beard? or if you think harris is shit, who the fuck are you? what have u achieved ? a fucking website?
Yep, no arguments there. (Except that he's reading it, but it's probably only for his research.)

go stroke each other you sad pricks.
Homoerotic again. No worries. MacDaddy's a modern, enlightened kind of c*nt. Good on the boy. Probably shuffles a few loads to Playgirl - full credit to him. Might even be a support group out there for like-mindeds.

Heres a hint be fucking careful what you write about people you wouldnt want to breach any privacy laws and be found out you loser cunts
Veiled threats. Tasty.

VERDICT: Don't think it's Billy T. James. He was a good c*nt. I'm gonna go for Don Brash.