MacDaddy
Houhora Heads, Northland
c/o info@harbourrugby.com

Monday September 29, 2008

RE POSITION FOR 2009 SENIOR COACH, NORTH HARBOUR RUGBY FOOTBALL UNION

Dear Holster

I'm ya pistol. Mull it over, you know it makes sense. Look, we've had a shocker and you need someone in charge of those youngsters who eats and breathes Harbour and drinks some piss. I'm yer man. Here's me credentials (I've underlined some corporate buzzwords to prove I'm up for the modern game):

1985. Our first season. Magic. Great days, third division, exotic locations, big wins. To be honest, I didn't follow Harbour back then. Great days but.

1989. Saw Feeney drop a goal from halfway against 'Kato. Iain Wood and Scott Pierce might've bagged tries, too.

1990. Aussie at Onewa. 15-man scrum. Day off school. Whole bunch of us got snapped by an Auckland Star man but the teachers didn't tell us off 'coz they were all there, too.

1994. First win over the Scum. Walter under the sticks at the House of Satan, thanks for coming. The semi in the sun - put 50 or 60 on Canterbury. Then the final. Best decision you blokes ever made to hold the final there. Some buggers had a bit of a moan - reckoned we should've play it at Eden Park - but youse knew better. Eden Park's a f**kin dump. Onewa, though. Cauldron, mate. Cauldron. Arrogant Nike billboards. Great days. Rushy off for GBH. Brooke the supermarket checkout operator off for being a twat. Carnage. Battle of Onewa. Shame about the result. Lucky Burts, eh?

1996. On the bank at the 'Wa for the last time. Beat King Country to avoid the wooden spoon. Four seasons in one day. All four of 'em winter. What'd we give to be back at the 'Wa now but.

2006. Shield. After-match at Pat's. Didn't see you there, mate. Guess you were busy trying to find our hard-earned pennies down the back of Brent Todd's repossessed couch. Shifty sort, he was. Chin gave him away, I reckon. And being mates with Ridge. Wide berth, mate, wide berth.

Clearly I've got the pedigree, so here's a brief heads-up on what I'd do. Shift, Replace, Move, Bring, Give. I call it 'The MacDaddy Five-Pointer' coz I'd like to 'try' it. Genius. (People pay big bucks for that shit these days. I'll get to money soon. Top two inches, mate. You know it makes sense, going forward.)

1. Shift back to Onewa. Bring back the 2:30 cauldron. It's closer to 'Puna and people can get pissed and walk to places.
2. Replace maximum purchase of four bottles to be replaced by a minimum purchase of one tray (cans).
3. Move Massey and Helensville closer. We need them - strong club spirit. Unity. Can't buy it.
4. Bring in Walter and Frank as backs coaches; Buck as forwards coach. Me across the road at Pat's Garage working on match tactics. Or the Northcote Tavern. Fresh scenery, fresh ideas. Ducks in a row.
5. Give Tony Woodcock the keys to the city. Great man. Lifetime supply of crates. Loyalty, mate, loyalty. Unless he leaves.

Simplistic on paper, but this game ain't rocket science. Basics. Right folk in the right places. That's what Deaks says. Like the Crusaders. Arseholes, the lot of them.

Cheers, mate.
(P.S. No need for an interview. One-year contract's fine with me. Hundred grand. Bob's yer mother's brother. Sorted. I'm not on the blower and some chav's nicked me mailbox. Send the contract to the harbourrugby.com site. The ed. will pass it on. You know it makes sense.)